Issue #92: You want to talk about sex more — here's what's getting in the way
What hundreds of readers told us about their conversations around sex.
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Last summer, I (Aja) was at dinner with friends when someone who’d just started Invisalign asked: “But what do you do when you want to… you know?” and gestured at her mouth.
“Go to the bathroom and take them out,” another friend said without missing a beat. This was the first time someone had mentioned sex in months, maybe longer — and I had lots of follow-up questions. So we were still going down on our partners? How often? And on that note: How often were my friends having any kind of sex these days? (More or less than me?) What were they trying? What was working? What wasn’t?
But the conversation had already moved on, and I had no idea when sex would come up again. We used to talk about sex all the time — it came up effortlessly — but somewhere along the way, as we’d found serious boyfriends and girlfriends, and then husbands and wives, and some of us had started having kids… sex had started to feel taboo. And as my friends talked on about Kamala’s campaign, and Simplehuman trash cans, and God of the Woods, I realized that I desperately missed those conversations about sex.
And I desperately wanted to know if other women felt the same way.
So we asked you — sending out a survey on how you talk (or don’t) about sex with your friends. We wanted to understand everything: how often these conversations happen, how detailed they get, what makes them possible or impossible, and how they change over time. Hundreds of you answered. And your responses painted a clear picture: Most of us want to talk about sex more, but there’s a lot getting in our way.
Let’s get into the insights…
Who took the survey?
You’re primarily in your late 20s through late 40s.
Your relationship status varies — from single to married, casually dating to seriously committed.
Your sexuality varies, too. While straight women made up the majority, we had significant representation from LGBTQ+ voices.
You come from wide-ranging religious and cultural backgrounds (which proved very significant in your responses!)
Most of you agree — you’d like to talk about sex more:
30% of respondents talk about sex less than every few months, while 25% discuss it every few months, and 22% have monthly conversations. But 41% would like to talk about it monthly, and 26% would like weekly! There’s clearly a gap between what’s happening and what women want.
Your current level of detail varies, but most of you want more here, too:
39% of you share at a high level (“we had sex” or “we didn’t”)
29% give details but don’t get too specific
19% don’t share many details, if any
13% are pretty detailed, describing positions, length, memorable moments, etc.
Again, the majority of you (62%) would like your conversations to be more detailed.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship makes a big difference:
This is where things get really interesting:
45% of single/casually dating people would like to talk about sex weekly (only 26% currently do)
43% of people in serious relationships want conversations every month or so (only 20% have them right now)
However, wanting more more detailed conversations was consistent across relationship status.
Religion and cultural background are some of the most important variables:
Religion and culture emerged as powerful forces shaping these conversations — both in expected and unexpected ways. Many women described how early religious messaging continues to influence their comfort with sexual discussions, even years later:
“I grew up Mormon where sex is like taboo because it shouldn’t happen until marriage,” one woman said. “I’ve left the religion and honestly like seeing Sabrina Carpenter be so sexually open and other girls my age be sexually open has been very liberating.”
Another wrote: “Religious background. For me that’s the most important context of all of this... I think my friends and I, as open and progressive as we are, have internalized the message that talking about sex is inappropriate and is something that should be kept between you and your partner.”
And this can impact your sexual relationships: “I am a recovering Catholic school sex-ed girlie, but I would love to be more comfortable talking about sex and intimacy with my friends. I still have a hard time talking about sex with my husband, and we have been together for 7 years!”
Your age and how long you’ve been friends matters, too (but in unexpected ways):
Most women said knowing someone for a long time made it easier to talk about sex. “It is simpler to talk to someone about sex when they are familiar with your sexual history,” one respondent said.
But several said the opposite, like this woman:
“Surprisingly I feel a little less comfortable talking about it with friends I’ve known for my whole life and easier with friends I met during my more hookup phase (college and the few years after.) I wasn’t having sex in high school and neither were my close friends so we didn’t talk about it and now it feels weird to start.”
There are situations where sex talk feels way more natural:
If you want to talk about sex more often, the when and where are really important. We heard, again and again, about specific conditions that make these conversations likelier to happen.
Time of day (“Evening means more is said”)
Location and setting (“Wine, quality time, no men/boyfriends/partners lurking about the house on girls night”)
Reciprocity (“Definitely how much they tell me or how much it comes up.”)
Having kids can make it easier or harder to talk about sex:
For some women, having kids has created new openings for conversation:
“After having a baby, the sex convos amped back up, just because postpartum sex is a different beast.”
But another wrote: “I’m a new mom (4.5 months postpartum) and sex and intimacy feels like a whole new ballgame. I’m wishing that I had talked to my friends more about sex before so that it would be easier to do so now, instead of making it something brand new.”
And (probably unsurprisingly) being in a relationship means you probably talk about sex less:
Many women said they became more discreet when their relationship got serious, especially because their friends got to really know their partner:
“My husband is a much more private person than me and sharing details isn’t all about me — it’s about him as well,” one woman explained. “A lot of my female friends are a part of our couples’ friend group. It wouldn’t feel fair for them to know intimate details about our sex life without my spouse’s consent.”
And others have found that mixed relationship statuses can lead to barriers: “I live with my partner, and we have a great relationship... But most of my friends are single, and my two closest friends are just out of bad relationships. So I feel like I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about sex because I worry my friends are sensitive about not being in a relationship.”
You want to feel less alone — and have better sex!
This means destigmatizing what’s “normal.” Said one reader: “When a friend resonates with your lack of horniness it is really reassuring.”
Another reader told us: “I haven’t had sex for a year! There are some contributing factors (remaining religious shame, dating apps SUCK, time) but I think that if we as a society talked about it more I’d probably feel more comfortable exploring my body.”
And someone who has been in a relationship for more than a decade said: “I have been in a relationship for 17 years (I’m 33!) and sex has been complicated for years. Talking about it, what we’re doing, what we’re struggling with, etc. makes me feel less alone — it’s not a me problem or a we problem but a societal problem. And I think if we talked about it more with our friends we could talk about it more with our partners, and then we would probably have better sex!”
Since last summer, I (Aja) have challenged myself to talk about sex more. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it was quickly clear my friends were game (it didn’t hurt that many of them had read that I missed the sex talk.) And I’m so glad I pushed myself: I’ve experienced a new (slash old) level of intimacy; I’ve gotten ideas and inspiration; I’ve felt seen and validated about sex.
We don’t want the conversation to stop there. To help create more dialogue about sex — both among the Platonic Love community and, hopefully, among you and your friends — we’re launching a new series next Thursday. Each episode of Bedroom Diaries will chronicle a week in the life of an anonymous reader, and what they get up to sexually (or not).
The first one features a 32-year-old HR specialist and new mom in Michigan, who has postpartum sex with her husband and wonders whether she needs to go back to pelvic floor therapy. Make sure you’re subscribed to get it in your inbox.
Tell us what’s on your mind!
Did any of these results surprise you? Anything we should be thinking about as we launch Bedroom Diaries?
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Oh, I will be *so* seated for the new Bedroom Diaries series.
One of my closest friends is super open to talking about sex and loves to talk about it! I still remember when we were fairly new friends how surprised I was by this because none of my other friends were like this. I found it refreshing and I have learned so much from her! To your point when you have friends you can talk openly about sex to you feel less alone, you learn things, you pick up tips or ideas - and I think it’s a lot of fun! I find the setting does help - we love to go on long walks or hikes together and I find that to be a great place to talk about it!