Issue #32: How to give a (great) speech or toast
Everything I've learned from eight years of public speaking
My favorite part of any gathering is, unexpectedly, the speeches or toasts. It’s a rare chance for both the speaker and their listeners to pause, reflect, and experience a moment together — when the room’s collective guard falls down.
There are snippets of speeches that run through my head on a weekly basis: Sam’s friend Rozy telling her husband Julian during her vows that she still gets excited to see his name pop up on her phone. Our best friend Mike ending his 30th birthday dinner toast by saying we’re all going to grow old together. The former CEO of my company explaining he wants to build a company his grandchildren are proud of.
In addition to being an enthusiastic listener, I’ve gotten up in front of a crowd many times myself, from wedding speeches and toasts for friends to presentations in front of an auditorium. Here’s what I’ve learned about giving a speech or toast people will remember.
Shorter is almost always better.
For wedding and party speeches, I aim for 60 to 90 seconds. On paper, this sounds too short, but you can cover a ton of ground in a minute. Speeches are not concerts — I’ve never heard a speech and thought, Wow, I wish that went longer.
Toasts, meanwhile, should cap out at around 30 seconds; there’s a sense of anticipation that builds as people hold their glasses and get ready to drink, and half a minute is the perfect sweet spot to capture and then release that tension.
Avoid reading from a phone, if possible.
If I know I’m giving a speech, I’ll type it up and print it out. Or write it down if I don’t have access to a printer. Reading from a physical copy of my speech rather than my phone makes me seem more prepared and helps me make eye contact with my audience.
Having written notes for a toast is a little tougher, as toasts are usually more spontaneous. I typically try to fix three things in my mind before I stand up — how I’ll start it, the main point, and how I’ll end — which makes it easier to stay on track without reading anything.
Make eye contact with the audience.
I do my best to look everyone in the eyes at least once — which can be nerve-wracking, but also pretty lovely to see everyone engaged and smiling or nodding. One of my best tricks: early on in the speech or toast, I’ll figure out who’s most engaged (nodding most enthusiastically, laughing at my jokes) and keep returning to them for the confidence boost.
Making eye contact helps me keep the room locked in and build a sense of connection to my words.
Stand.
Even when everyone else who’s talking has stayed seated. I want to be able to survey my listeners (it’s easier to make eye contact!); plus, standing makes me look more self-assured.
Skip these openers (because they’re overdone).
I’ve seen audiences tune out when the speaker opens with:
A quote.
“I’ve known [name] for X years…”
“I’m excited to be here tonight.”
“When [person, organization, friend] asked me to say a few words…”
“First, I want to thank…”
Start with a story.
You might be wondering which type of opener that leaves. I always use a story. People love stories — in fact, studies show our brains synthesize oxytocin (the “love hormone”) when we listen to them.
For maximum impact, I try to drop my audience in the middle of the action.
As an example: “The fire truck arrived outside of Ella’s apartment at 8:37. She’d put the lasagna in the oven at 7:44. (I know, because she texted me a picture.) Her third date with Sophie had gone well up to that point…”
To figure out which story to tell, I think of an anecdote that summarizes the spirit of the person, people, or organization I’m commemorating.
(Probably) don’t try to be funny.
It was a relief to realize a speech or toast doesn’t need to be humorous to land. Sometimes, there’s a perfect opportunity for a punchline — usually when I’m lightly roasting someone I love — but if there’s not, I don’t force it. Telling jokes that are relevant and appropriate, while not straying into inside joke territory, is difficult; I’ve learned an authentic delivery (heartfelt, warm, serious, excited…) tends to get a better reaction.
Vulnerability is always welcome.
Being sentimental is scary — all the more so when I’m in front of many people. However, I’ve learned it’s the best way to deliver a speech or toast that resonates. All the snippets I remember are from emotionally intimate moments: Rozy revealing the depth of her attachment to Julian, Mike saying he sees us as life-long friends, and the CEO getting vulnerable about what he hoped we could build together.
Remember everyone’s rooting for you.
If I’m feeling nervous, I remind myself every person listening wants the speech or toast to go well. They want to be entertained, they want to be inspired, they want to feel included. Remembering this usually calms me a bit.
Repeat one line for emphasis.
It’s a simple yet convincing way to come across as a seasoned public speaker. I use this trick for the most important or notable part of my speech or toast — what I want the audience to really consider.
They want to be entertained, they want to be inspired, they want to feel included.
Close by coming back to the story you started with.
Another highly effective yet easy-to-use strategy! For example, if I started with a story about talking to Sam for the first time during a work meeting (true), I might close with a line like, “We’ve come a long way from that conference room…” Not only does this technique provide satisfying closure, it also gives me an elegant way to wrap things up.
We had so much fun putting together last week’s gift guide — check it out if you’re looking for inspiration! And, ICYMI, Monday’s most-clicked link was this thumb massager Aliza might legitimately buy.
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These tips make me think about -- and question -- why it is so challenging to be vulnerable and/or forthcoming with our emotions in front of the people we love. Sam and I stood up at our rehearsal dinner to thank everyone for coming into town, and I'll never forget, I practically froze. Even in front of "your" people, it's intimidating! (And thus why I've avoided toasts.)
Because I'm Old, when I went to a wedding a few years ago and it was time for the speeches, when the first young person pulled out their phone I honestly thought "why are they going on their phone right now?" because I didn't understand they were going to be reading from their Notes app. Lol.
I agree that printing it out on paper looks more polished, but then again not everyone has a printer these days!