Issue #47: I lost my job, but my friends showed up
And the final prompts in the Friendship Training Program
Edited by
.Aja and I had originally planned to wrap up the Friendship Training Program last week with a focus on “self” — what felt like a natural progression from future, current, and past relationships.
Then life happened.
I was recently laid off from the company I’d worked at for three-plus years. And this left me feeling extremely vulnerable — like I’d failed to deliver on my commitments or potential.
I tried to stay calm, moving quickly to polish up my resume and start networking and applying to roles.
I also turned to my friends — and they showed up for me, again and again. While there is much to be said about a layoff or a job search (the networking fatigue! the mountains of rejection!), I’ve been particularly struck by how the shame of losing a job has been so inextricably intertwined with my sense of self and friendship.
Navigating what would come next hasn’t been easy, especially with a husband in graduate school and an 18-month-old son in daycare. I knew we were very, very lucky. We have savings, families ready to help, and some of the best state unemployment benefits in the country (yet another maze I’ve been trying desperately to navigate).
Still, I felt the fear and anxiety from losing my job manifest itself in my body — shaking hands, insomnia, and sporadic crying jags. I could hardly stomach saying, “I’m not working right now.”
Then, last week, I got an offer in my inbox… for a role that I’m extremely excited about. Several hours earlier, I’d received news of another unexpected personal loss for our family.1 I was again holding multiple emotions. But I felt at least one enormous weight lift.
I could hardly stomach saying the words, “I’m not working right now.”
Like many of us, I’m not good at asking for help when I’m going through a difficult time. I like being the one who gets to give it — to support my friends, connect them to my network, or offer to review their resume.
Fortunately, maybe sensing this, I didn't have to ask for much. My friends sprang into action, seemingly knowing what I needed before I could’ve articulated it myself; they saw straight through any “It’s fine, I’m fine” facade. Here are just a few examples:
Aja got me to a yoga class within the first 24 hours of getting the news. And she didn’t hesitate when we met up for a walk last week and I asked, “Can you just give me a hug?”
Suz has texted me just about every day to check in on how I’m doing.
Priya jumped into fix-it mode and connected me to some wonderful women in her network.
Charlotte, who's been through a layoff herself, offered comforting, yet realistic, advice for my job search.
Lauren, like always, showered me with home-cooked food.
The ice cream from long distance friends has been plentiful. Marge had my favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavors delivered, while Danielle sent four (yes, four!) delicious pints of Malai.
And so many other moments…
My friends refused to let me be consumed by my shame.
A few days before the job offer, I got a voice note from Aja. She was checking in, letting me know that I’d been on her mind — even if she hadn’t asked in a few days how I was feeling, because she didn’t want to overwhelm me. It was a reminder of how difficult and uncharted it can feel to navigate these shitty times along with your friend, but simply being there is what matters.
We couldn’t have anticipated this was how we’d be wrapping up the final weeks of this series, but I’m glad we’ve come back to it. Like anything difficult, this experience has been an important reminder that our relationships — and especially friendships — are everything.
Week 4: Friendship & Self
The final prompts are available to all of our readers, and we hope they feel as helpful to you as they do to us.
If you’re new(er) to Platonic Love, I’d encourage you to go back and read more from the experts in our archive too — plus, when we launched this series in February, we received over 130+ comments (!) from readers about what they were looking for in their friendships, from which I’ve learned so much.
Reflection Prompts:
What are the characteristics of yourself as a friend that you’re most proud of?
How do you prioritize the many ways friendship shows up in your life? What’s most important for you right now?
When have you taken a risk to make a friend or deepen a friendship — and it worked? What about yourself made the friendship possible?
In week one, we asked what’s holding you back from cultivating new (or newer) relationships. How has this changed throughout the program? In what ways do you feel better equipped to take on or tackle your friendships?
Action Prompts:
Tell a friend what you appreciate about them.
Offer to help a friend with an errand or a task (dropping off a package, a ride to the airport, grocery-shopping, buying a gift, etc.) — and then consider one you might request in return.
According to researcher Brené Brown, this give-and-take is a critical component of building and establishing trust.
Plan a date with a friend with the same level of attention and sincerity that you would give a romantic partner.
Once you’ve answered or completed the prompts of your choice, come back to the comments section and share your reflection and/or let us know how it went.
Before you go…
We have (perhaps) more ideas than we know what to do with for Platonic Love — but we’d love your feedback as we plan for upcoming weeks…
And ICYMI, the most popular link from Monday’s LWSOF was Aja’s go-to white T (even if she slightly regrets it).
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I’m sure I’ll talk about this later when the timing feels right.
Aliza, thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. One friendship-related observation: sometimes it takes a lot of courage to share bad news or things we feel ashamed about, with friends and loved ones. The fact that you quickly shared your unsettling news and reached out to your friends for help is inspiring and a good reminder that good friends want to help - but need to be let into our lives to be able to do so.
My husband calls give and take "the emotional bank account", as in "have you made a deposit in the emotional bank account before you ask for a withdrawal?" when it comes to friendship. If we feel awkward asking for a favor, it's a sign to us (speaking of my husband and myself) that we haven't contributed. It doesn't have to be anything big, just a check in for us.