Issue #40: Friendship can be awkward. Let's talk about it.

And get better at it?

Source: Sex and the City

I (Aliza) recently started rewatching Sex and the City. The first time I’d watched the series, I was fifteen and had to sneak the DVDs out of my mom’s bedroom. What I love — and probably why it still feels so cathartic — is that as much as the show appears to be about sex, men, and dating… it’s really a show about friendship. 

But when the series begins, Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte’s platonic commitment to each other is already cemented and ritualized through frequent nights out, boozy brunches, and gallery showings.

It doesn’t show how the foursome actually became friends, how it probably — scratch that, certainly — required the women make an effort and take some initiative. And I wish it didn’t feel so cringe to admit it, but: Forming and sustaining adult friendships is hard.

Last year, my high school best friends and I spent the first weekend away all together in more than a decade! (Not pictured: when we stayed up until at least midnight choreographing a dance to Christina Aguilera)

It’s something Aja (who coincidentally started watching SATC for the first time last month) and I talk about often. While I have many good friends, I’m still searching for a close-knit group of other moms. (And feeling self-conscious I haven’t found it yet.) Meanwhile, last year Aja had to push herself way out of her comfort zone to build new relationships after realizing she was lonely. Neither of us have the “perfect” social life by any means, but we’ve both invested a lot of effort — and come a long way as a result.

If you’ve ever felt lonely or you’ve set a goal for the year to make new friends or you wish you could find more time in the week for your current friends or you don’t even know where to start… keep reading. This is a topic we both feel deserves a lot more attention.

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We’re launching a friendship “training program” — think of it as running club meets support group for friendship.

The discussion-based series will run through mid-March on Platonic Love and include weekly prompts designed to help you reflect on, grow, and strengthen your community. You can even do it with your friends. :)

Aja and I will facilitate, sharing our own vulnerable, potentially awkward, and hopefully motivating experiences along the way. Rather than trying to tackle the big, hairy undertaking of making friends or deepening your relationships all at once, pick and choose one or two small things each week. To ground the prompts, we’re interviewing experts like author

Rhaina Cohen

, New York Times “friendship correspondent”

Anna Goldfarb

, founder of

Downtime

and new mom

Alisha Ramos

, and cookbook author, podcast host, and mom of three

Caroline Chambers

.

Most importantly, you’ll hear from each other, because along the way we’ll be checking in and encouraging you to share any stories or experiences. 

There are thousands of you reading Platonic Love, so we think we’ll get a good (but still intimate!) group.

Who’s the training program for?

Anyone who wants to:

• Understand what you’re seeking from friendships — and, we hope, spice up your platonic love life

• Feel more comfortable taking risks around friendship and spend less time questioning if you’re “doing it right”

• Get ideas for how and where to make friends 

• Cultivate new friendships and deepen existing ones

• Become a better friend while still honoring your own boundaries — like energy, time, lifestyle, or other commitments 

• Feel less lonely!

I’m ready — how do I join?

It’s simple: Keep reading for this week’s prompts, and respond in the comments section.

Today’s prompts are open to all readers. The rest of the training program will be available exclusively to our paid subscribers. Your paid subscription will help support the work Aja and I are putting into organizing and curating this series, as well as the other paid subscriber content we’ve started rolling out.

A Platonic Love subscription costs just $5 a month or $50 for a year. (The friendships you’ll make? Priceless!)

(If you’re eager to participate but can’t afford the subscription right now, just email us — no explanation necessary — and we’ll take care of it.)

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Week 1: Building New Friendships

The first stage of our training program centers on future or new friendships. These prompts will help you identify and/or get to know people in the “acquaintance,” “friend of friend,” or even “friendly stranger” category.

Aja and I have learned the most important thing to remember about making new friends is that nearly everyone else is interested too. After striking up friendships with strangers via DMs, parties where we knew virtually no one, and even yoga classes (something neither of us would have envisioned doing several years ago), we’ve started to go into these situations expecting our efforts to be welcomed and reciprocated. Not only does this lessen the intimidation factor, research shows you’re actually more likely to make friends.

Step one: introduce yourself in the comments.

• What’s your name, where do you live, and what are you hoping to get out of the training program?

• Where’s an unlikely or unexpected place you’ve made a new friend? Did you do anything unique to cement that friendship?  

Step two: pick one to three prompts to complete before February 22nd.

Reflection Prompts:

1. What’s something you’d love to do with someone else that you currently do alone?

2. What’s a type of conversation or experience that you always enjoy having a friend or friends along for? 

3. What’s holding you back from cultivating new (or newer) relationships? Time, fear, energy/motivation, and/or opportunities?

Activity Prompts:

1. Ask your current friends if they know anyone who’s into a hobby, interest, or skill you share (or want to develop) — for example, “Does anyone have a friend who crochets? I just bought a beginner’s kit,” or “Know anyone who’s obsessed with true crime? I need someone to discuss shows and podcasts with!” 

   1. The more specific the interest, the better. This will help your friends think of someone applicable and immediately gives you a lot to talk about/bond over with the person they introduce you to.

2. Invite two friends to hang out and ask them each to bring someone you don’t know well. To give you an idea, you could say: “Want to get [lunch/drinks/dinner] and bring a friend? I’m asking [other friend] the same so we can all meet someone new.”

3. Think of an acquaintance you think you’d get along with and reach out to do something casual (think going for a walk, meeting for coffee, checking out a cafe, etc.)

   1. This can feel less awkward as a response to an Instagram story. Let’s say they post a picture from their weekend; you could reply, “This looks so fun! How was [such-and-such]? By the way, if you’re around this week, we should get some coffee.” However, a text works great as well.

4. Share something you’re interested in on social media and ask if anyone else wants to come. Some ideas: an upcoming movie, play, or show; an art exhibit; a new restaurant.

Step three: Once you’ve completed the prompts of your choice, come back to the comments section and share your reflection and/or let us know how it went!

We’ll talk to you there.

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