I'm Aliza and I live in Watertown, MA (just outside of Cambridge!). I'm about 1.5 years into motherhood, and one of my goals this year is trying to figure out what a good and fulfilling rhythm around "mom" or "parent" friends would feel like in my life. How many friends do I actually need? What would I like to gain from those friendships?
Something that has been coming up more and more for me is the ease of proximity. Sam and I went to a kids music class at the local library last Saturday, but it was so mobbed (seriously, who knew there were so many babies in my town!?) that I found it too intimidating to strike up a conversation with anyone new. But somewhat unexpectedly, we found ourselves connecting and exchanging numbers with another couple at a local coffeeshop the other day who had a toddler around Jude's age too -- I'm excited to see where that relationship goes!
Hi! I am so curious how you make it from a casual chat to exchanging numbers - that is the part that I feel like I can’t quite figure out! My husband and I moved back to Pittsburgh from New York City in mid-2020 and now live in McCandless (in case there are any Pittsburghers here!). We have a six month old daughter and are just starting to branch out beyond the new baby haze and actually plan to go to a baby music class in a few weeks for this reason! I’m worried about the same thing happening in terms of a crowd without much opportunity for connection, but here’s hoping! Navigating a new location post-pandemic as a brand new parent is a little daunting but we are really hoping to build some community here.
That's awesome that you're starting to branch out! I think one of the biggest barriers for me has always been getting in my head and convincing myself it's not worth striking up a conversation before I even try it.
It also takes time though -- so try not to get discouraged. We've been to so many baby birthday parties, music classes, etc. at this point where we'd strike out, and then one day it just clicked with another family at a coffeeshop!?
In my experience, you just have to bite the bullet and ask… you can frame it as, “well we both really like coming to this playground, let me get you number and we can plan to meet up sometime etc.” I’ve never had anyone act weird or put off when I asked
My name's Aja (after the 1977 Steely Dan album); I live in Somerville, Massachusetts (a 20-min drive from Aliza and a 15-min walk to Harvard Square); and there are a few things I'm hoping to get out of the training program... I'd like to get more intentional about seeing and staying in touch with my friends, especially the ones who don't live nearby, and I'd also like to better understand what makes me a good friend and where I could be a better one.
Many of my friends were originally friends of friends, BUT I've met a few people through Substack (and am always open to meeting more!)
I think I'm gonna do the last prompt (Share something you’re interested in on social media and ask if anyone else wants to come) which will be a good challenge for me because in the past few years I've gotten irrationally shy around using social.
I've felt increasingly shy about using social recently, too. It's great that you're taking this opportunity to push yourself (gently) out of your comfort zone!
OK, I'm back! I shared a cool-looking restaurant event (h/t to Aliza, who sent it to me and said "this would be good for your prompt," haha)... and a few people responded, but all existing friends/not in Boston/etc. I think if I tried this again, I'd do something with a less firm date to make it likelier someone interested could do it (e.g. a movie, museum, etc.)
Nonetheless, it was good practice putting myself out there, and I *have* made some progress on the other prompts (will share more next Thursday!) Would love to hear how everyone else is doing :)
I'm Suzanne and I live in Portland, Maine. My hope for this training program and my unlikely friendship find are closely intertwined. I work with many women in their 50s and 60s and there is one in particular who I've really hit it off with. She gave me her daughter's phone number who is now a new friend of mine, but I really want to cultivate a cross-generational friendship with my colleague instead/also! I mentioned to her that I don't just want to be friends with her daughter but also with her and she laughed and asked why I would want to be friends with an 'oldie.' Anyways, I am hoping to be brave and not just take our friendship outside of work but also cultivate some new friends from another generation!
Love this. I actually met one of my good friends here through her mom :) haha. It's sweet how you told her directly. BTW anytime I meet someone from Maine I have to tell them it's my favorite place in the world :)
I am in my later 50s and work for a software company where all of my colleagues are in their 20s and 30s and while I assumed at first they'd think I was the old granny in the room, I have become really friendly with a few of them. Conversely, my 20-something daughter works with women my age, and we agree that having cross-generational friendships has helped OUR relationship and helps us understand each other a little better. I highly recommend pursuing that friendship with your coworker!
I love this!! and am also happy you told her you wanted to be friend with her as well. Hopefully she’ll take you up on a few work happy hours. I’ve found in my (few, but lovely!) intergenerational friendships I have had to do a lot of the initiating, but it is worth it!!
HI all! I'm Liz and I'm on Boston's North Shore. I'm a freelance writer but these days, I'm pretty occupied with my three little boys (ages 6, 5, and 2.5)!
I've moved around quite a bit since college, including several years on the west coast from early 2017- late 2021. Between being so far away from family and friends, plus back-to-back-to-back pregnancies and COVID isolation during this period, my time on the west coast was pretty anti-social and lonely. It's only been recently that I've identified how lonely that time was and how it effected me. I value friendships in a deeper way since then.
I'm beyond grateful for my solid handful of college friends that I've kept in touch with, but we don't see each other all that much as we aren't all local. But thanks to my son starting kindergarten the year we moved back east, as well as an amazing neighborhood, I've started to "grow" my friendship circle and feel so lucky to have found a few really awesome mom friends, as well as reconnect with a few friends that I had here years ago.
But I know that friendships take work and time, and I'm hoping that this series can help me make this a bigger priority and encourage me to make the time to invest in my friendships - and not let being a tired mom be an excuse ;) I'm also hoping to find the strength to be truly myself in friendships, to share my interests (writing, books, home design, pop culture and more) and worries (holy moly motherhood), because I've reach the stage where I really value deeper conversations, honesty - realness.
I have to agree with my friend Amelia who commented a bit earlier regarding a funny place to meet a friend - we recently reconnected when we noticed each others name on an online parent course! I was so glad that she reached out and it has since quickly evolved into a wonderful and growing friendship - we have our sons to bond over but are getting to know each other and our interests as well. It's been lovely :)
Hi! I'm Mollie. I live in Cambridge, MA — right between Harvard and Central Squares, so hello neighbors! I'm turning 30 this year and have been kind of astounded by how much the (generally expected) transitions in mine and my friends' lives are affecting our dynamics in small and big ways. The light abrasion of being at different life stages, the realization that our visions of friendship's place in our lives may be different as we shift into "real adulthood," etc. My hope is that this program helps me cut through some of that awkwardness and identify ways to be more curious and appreciative of our differences.
My favorite unlikely friendship meet-cute was with a cashier at my favorite bagel shop. He was one of so few people I saw regularly during the worst of the pandemic. Week over week we learned more about each other through the take-out window. He's since left that job and we've lost touch, but whenever we bump into each other around the city we're both so excited.
Oh my gosh, hi!! I love that intention. I was thinking about this on a walk through *our* (ha) neighborhood yesterday — I have some friends going through big life changes right now. It's not my first rodeo, so unlike the first wave of changes I was responding to, I have a bit more practice allowing myself to feel some negative stuff (sadness, anxiety, etc.) while simultaneously being excited, happy, etc. on their behalf.
That's a great meet-cute, and I'm dying to know which bagel shop it is. We may need to take this conversation offline 🥹
Yes! I love this. It’s funny, I feel like my friendships made it through the first wave of transitions so seamlessly. It’s this second wave that’s been so challenging. Very excited to read the upcoming interviews!
And Bagelsaurus! Of course. I once chose an apartment mostly because it was around the corner 🥯🦕
I just turned 30 and totally get what you mean about the transitions!! I was completely overwhelmed by how many of my friends travelled for my 30th birthday - I’m not doing the hen party and wedding thing so I made it clear that it was important to me, and they SHOWED UP.
Aw, Lily, this made me smile. It can be so hard to accept affection (let alone ask for it). That's honestly one of the most beautiful parts of rituals, traditions, etc.; they provide a blueprint for taking in love! You sound like you have great friends.
Having friends who live nearby you is truly life changing. Even small interactions throughout the day from familiar faces are literally proven to make you happier :)
I have started to make a friend who lives walking distance away and today she texted to ask if she could borrow something and I ran over to drop it off and even that interaction made me smile!
I love to hear this! I just moved to a neighborhood where three friends live within walking distance and it’s been such a game changer
One friend walks by my apt on her way home from work and when we don’t have much time, she rings the buzzer and we talk through the speaker for a few. Always brightens my day!
I live in Nashville, Tennessee, which is where I grew up. My comment will probably sound douchey but HONESTY IZ THE NAME OF THE GAME. I have so many life struggles, but making/retaining good friends is not one of them. I'd actually be interested in discussing, as my friend once told me, how to have "less friends, better friends." How can I check my gut when asked to hang out and see if it's really something I want to do, not just feel obligated to do? How can I carve out meaningful time with the friends I already have that isn't centered on watching tv or sitting on the couch (which is great but you know, we gotta go do stuff too)? How do I lean into conflict so that the "better" friends and I keep doing the work to keep our friendship strong? Who can I let go of this year, who I may be occasionally getting drinks or meals with out of guilt?
ALSO, (this is not at all part of the prompt), I have loved using Marco Polo to stay in touch with my three study abroad friends. We've used it for years and it makes me feel close to them. I highly recommend it for friends who live in different cities.
I realize I went completely off base so I'll see y'all in the outfield
This doesn't sound douchey at all!! And (to give you a sneak peek of the interview we're running in two weeks), it seems like a lot of people struggle to turn *down* the intensity of friendships, or even pull back completely, because society doesn't give us a template for it. With someone you're dating, if you get too busy or you don't like them or you do but you only want to see them at 11 PM on a Thursday night (~honesty~), it might be awkward to shift the relationship, but we have some scripts and cultural guideposts to reference. Friendship has none of that!
Also, yours is the second Polo shoutout in the comments.
I was chatting with a friend recently about "maintenance friendships"—like, ones you feel compelled to show up for in a way that doesn't feel totally natural or fun, because you "have to" in order to maintain the tie—and oof, I want fewer of those too!
I know *exactly* what you’re talking about! Those types of friendships are exhausting and you don’t necessarily feel like you can show up as yourself fully in those situations.
i feel this! may be the trauma talking but sometimes i am compelled to hold on to friendships rather than let them run their course and focusing on quality over quantity. ill be curious to read the interview aja is teasing!
Hi I'm Brenna :) I live in Napoli, Italy! I have had a heck of a time making friends in my thirties. Since I don't have kids yet, it's that time in our lives when everyone feels like we are in different stages. I try to make friendships with people in all different phases and most importantly, intergenerational friendships!
My most interesting friend I've met since moving to Napoli is a retired man from Northern Ireland. We met at Italian school. He doesn't do well with the internet and he doesn't fly on planes! But we manage to keep in touch via EMAILs to each other about book recommendations. He is such a good writer and his book recommendations are fire.
Another random place I met a friend - at a women in business conference. I was going through a touch time and really needed a new friendship group. I complimented her outfit and her stylish backpack. We had so much in common and hit it off and exchanged numbers. It was great!
Hi Brenna, expat life can be so diverse in terms of people you meet, but yes can be hard if they rotate often or seem too foreign. I’ll be excited to see what your friend garden grows :)
Hi! I’m Kaela and I live in Washington, D.C.! I work with Aliza (in fact, she used to be my boss - best boss ever) and am also a new mom.
When I had my daughter, I only had a few friends with kids, so I dove head first into parenting activities (new mom support group, weekly music class, etc) to expand my community. I’ve met SO many awesome people through these activities, but noticed I haven’t really developed any actual relationships, just chatted through WhatsApp or after class. My goal through this challenge is to move from “friendly stranger” to "friend" with a few parents - especially since it’ll benefit my daughter too.
I’ve made a ton of friends, including my best D.C. girlfriends, working at a barre studio! We all worked there in our mid-twenties as a side hustle and ended up finding lifelong friendships. We still visit the studio for a weekly class together. I hate awkward silence, so I always try to strike up conversation with my neighbor at the barre while waiting for class to begin. Sometimes people are open to chatting, sometimes they aren’t :)
Love that! I did barre3 for a while and with my 3x per week 6 am class I often thought to myself : why don't we talk to each other? Haha. Good for you for striking up convo.
I don’t think I’ve been to that studio. When I lived in DC I hadn’t yet discovered barre ✨ but usually I get along with all the barre3 girlies it’s funny how it attracts people with similar values. I think it would be fun to teach just to meet cool people. Sadly where I live now I only have access to the videos! I am commenting on Andrew and CJs videos hahaha 😜 top commenter
Hi everyone! I'm Molly and I live in Minneapolis, MN. I'm excited for this training program because I'd love to have time set aside to reflect on my friendships and ways I can continue to develop truly nourishing relationships. I think one of my goals is to try and keep FOMO out of my social life and focus on being present in important relationships.
I've made new friends through joining recreational sports teams (more specifically, carpooling or biking together to our games). That consistency of games (or a weekly workout class) with people makes it much easier to feel in touch and connected.
I think time and energy are what hold me back from cultivating newer relationships. I would love to make new friends but I feel like I first need to make sure all my other relationships are "solid" aka that I am feeling connected and close to them. This makes me excited to try prompt #2! I'm going to see if any of my friends would be interested in doing something where we each invite someone the other doesn't know very well.
Thanks Aliza and Aja!! I have loved everything else y'all have done with Platonic Love and am super excited about this :)
I feel the same way, Molly! It can be overwhelming to think about investing in new relationships when I'm long overdue on texting a friend back... or seeing their new place... or following up on the loose plans we'd made...
I'm also excited to see what happens when I try to bring less related parts of my social life together. It's scary but can definitely pay off (as an example, seeing Lacey and Aliza become friends has been really gratifying and lovely, and now the three of us can all hang out!)
Hey Molly! I’m Emily and I live in St. Cloud, MN! I know it’s not super close to you but I have family in the cities area so get there pretty frequently for concerts, restaurants that sort of thing. Anyways I’ve been looking for some more friends and am in the same situation as you for time/energy. The last few months have been consumed with planning my wedding and house projects. If you’re at all interested in meeting, send me a message! :)
wow, what a showing for the first day! so impressed, A&A. i'm sarah, and i live in new york city, a place i moved to directly out of college and never intended to stay in for so long (that was 2008, sooo...). early on in my time in new york, i lost an entire friend group at once, and thus, had to get really good (or at least, try to get really good) at making new friends and putting myself out there. initially, this meant joining a myriad of book clubs, as well as getting into group fitness--an unlikely place in which i met a handful of truly wonderful new friends. said wonderful new friends chatted me up in the locker room, asking how often i came to class, or what color nail polish i had on my toes, et voila! friendships were born.
given this experience, you'd think i'd be a pro at saying hi to strangers, but the truth is, doing so STILL terrifies me. if i'm dining alone (something i'll be doing a lot this month as i spend the entirety of february in mexico city!), i always--ALWAYS--bring my kindle as a proverbial security blanket. and if you don't talk to me first, i likely won't talk to you...even if i desperately want to! if you start the convo, i'm golden, but for me to do so requires, at the very least, a couple glasses of wine.
SO! my goal for this program is to get better at being the one to make the first move. wish me luck :)
Striking up conversation with strangers can be *so* intimidating. I also love dining out alone with my Kindle (also feels much more romantic than sitting by yourself with your phone!) Our friend Natalie Compton (who writes https://nataliecompton.substack.com/) is a travel journalist and thus has tons of practice introducing herself to people in restaurants, bars, etc. Natalie, any stories or tips??
The best places for conversations: bars (hotel, airport, train station, cocktail) but you run the risk of drinking too much so always watch how much you're taking in!! Waters in between, maybe a mocktail.
It's almost always intimidating and always awkward at first. I'm a big "just say a thing and see what happens" person. Pointing out something we're both experiencing/looking at/eating. Some people just need a little nudge and the conversation will just happen, other times it could fall flat and you just let it go.
one of my best friends moved to mexico city on a whim two years ago and she loves it! she has really pushed herself to make friends with locals but did a lot of things alone like this before finding community. i would be happy to put you two in touch if you are looking for company at any point!!
Hi everyone! I'm Amelia, I live in the country 2 hours north of NYC, am married with 2 teenagers, and am in my late 40s. Making friends as an adult is so much harder once college is over - although I found one exception was the years when kids first start school (preschool or K) which for me were a BONANZA for meeting people in the same stage of life with a lot in common! My favorite way to get to know people and feel out whether we could be friends is through joining a group of some sort - I've made friends with people I wouldn't typically meet through signing up for things like sports classes and volunteer roles. I find that having an activity and being within a group is a good way to feel people out - and if it's a class or volunteer thing, it doesn't have to go on forever. I find "coffee dates" super-awkward and intense!
I'd love to make more writing/content creation friends - I write full-time and it can be so, so lonely!
I'll be your writing/content creation friend! 🤗 And I second your volunteer activity suggestion. I started volunteering at my local nonprofit cinema two years ago, and it's such a fun, low-stress way to meet people.
Hi hi! (Anyone else watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith??) I'm Heidi. I'm a writer, editor, and mom. I met Aliza through Substack when I invited her to do an interview for my Mothers Who Make series. I met a lot of my friends online, either through networks like Substack or in a class. We bond over shared interests like writing, freelance life, and disability parenting in a way that I can't with IRL friends. Most of my IRL friends live too far away to see very often these days anyways. We do stay in touch with Polos and texts though, and I've found it's frequency and silly details that see us through and keep the relationship feeling alive. Making friends sounds overwhelming, but I would love to find more local people we can ask for help if we're sick or need childcare suddenly. It would be nice to trade with someone and have a real sense of community here.
Now I need to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith! This whole thread is a reminder of how fun it is to watch something asynchronously with a group, and then share your take on it with everyone. (I'm doing that right now with all the Oscar Best Picture nominees.)
Hi, Lacey here! I live in Somerville, MA, SUPER close to Aja! The pandemic did a number on my energy levels within the context of social interactions, namely that I sort of forgot how to interact with others in a way that was not incredibly draining. (Note: as someone who scored the HIGHEST you can on the extroversion scale of the Myers-Briggs, this has come as a shock to me!). As I have built back my stamina in the last year, I have remembered just how important connections are to me, especially now that I am an adult and they don't come as readily. While I miss the days of college and early-twenties when all my friends lived within the same building or neighborhood block, I am finding this time in my early thirties to be very special and energizing in a new way. I can't wait to be a part of this conversation!
I recently became good friends with someone who I only loosely knew through a work environment in which both of us were very part-time. However, we bonded over having a shared mutual hatred for a previous work place (sadly common in the mental health world - I'm a therapist) and now we collaborate daily not only as colleagues but as friends! She is about 7 years younger than I am, but that doesn't really seem to mean much to either of us.
I like the idea of the hobby prompt as I have been semi-curious about knitting/crocheting!
Lacey, I love what you shared about your age difference, and frequency of collaboration! You must have such a meaningful connection -- and also clearly trust each others' judgement. That's really cool!
I don't think I fully appreciated how fulfilling having a creative space to collaborate and share ideas with friends could be for a relationship until Aja and I launched this newsletter.
Lacey, I scored on the extreme end of the introversion scale on MB, so I understand! Feeling exhausted by social interactions just comes more naturally to me 😂
I would like to know how I can be a better friend and how I can make new friends that have a deep and authentic connection.
I can’t think of an unlikely place I have met a new friend. I recently was connecting with a person, who has become a friend at my gym and I asked her out to lunch to get to know her. It was great. Since then I feel like I am the one who continues to suggest getting together and they don’t show interest. I think - am I doing it wrong?
My name is Siena and I'm a grad student living in New York City. I moved here two years ago and I feel really lucky to have made great relationships within my grad school's community. Later this year I'll be graduating, and I just accepted a job in a foreign country that I've never been to (exciting but scary). I'm interested in this series because I've been thinking more and more about what it will be like to start over, and with a lot less support and built-in community than when I moved to New York.
Right now the thought of starting from scratch feels exhausting and terrifying. I'd like to feel confident making friends in a more challenging environment, and even look forward to the opportunity to build a new community!
What country are you moving to? I moved to Italy last year and found it was easy to make friends with other expats who know what you’re going through, but locals take more time and persistence 😊
Through Facebook groups mostly! Which is surprising because I don’t use Facebook. But there were tons of expat events and groups there where I met up with people IRL.
Hey, I'll start!
I'm Aliza and I live in Watertown, MA (just outside of Cambridge!). I'm about 1.5 years into motherhood, and one of my goals this year is trying to figure out what a good and fulfilling rhythm around "mom" or "parent" friends would feel like in my life. How many friends do I actually need? What would I like to gain from those friendships?
Something that has been coming up more and more for me is the ease of proximity. Sam and I went to a kids music class at the local library last Saturday, but it was so mobbed (seriously, who knew there were so many babies in my town!?) that I found it too intimidating to strike up a conversation with anyone new. But somewhat unexpectedly, we found ourselves connecting and exchanging numbers with another couple at a local coffeeshop the other day who had a toddler around Jude's age too -- I'm excited to see where that relationship goes!
LOL. We didn't plan that. ^^
Ahahaha, of course.
Hi! I am so curious how you make it from a casual chat to exchanging numbers - that is the part that I feel like I can’t quite figure out! My husband and I moved back to Pittsburgh from New York City in mid-2020 and now live in McCandless (in case there are any Pittsburghers here!). We have a six month old daughter and are just starting to branch out beyond the new baby haze and actually plan to go to a baby music class in a few weeks for this reason! I’m worried about the same thing happening in terms of a crowd without much opportunity for connection, but here’s hoping! Navigating a new location post-pandemic as a brand new parent is a little daunting but we are really hoping to build some community here.
That's awesome that you're starting to branch out! I think one of the biggest barriers for me has always been getting in my head and convincing myself it's not worth striking up a conversation before I even try it.
It also takes time though -- so try not to get discouraged. We've been to so many baby birthday parties, music classes, etc. at this point where we'd strike out, and then one day it just clicked with another family at a coffeeshop!?
In my experience, you just have to bite the bullet and ask… you can frame it as, “well we both really like coming to this playground, let me get you number and we can plan to meet up sometime etc.” I’ve never had anyone act weird or put off when I asked
I recently met a friend at an adjacent coffee-shop table, too! It felt like such a natural place to make a new connection.
Aww love a couples phone exchange! Nice one
I can start us off 🥳
My name's Aja (after the 1977 Steely Dan album); I live in Somerville, Massachusetts (a 20-min drive from Aliza and a 15-min walk to Harvard Square); and there are a few things I'm hoping to get out of the training program... I'd like to get more intentional about seeing and staying in touch with my friends, especially the ones who don't live nearby, and I'd also like to better understand what makes me a good friend and where I could be a better one.
Many of my friends were originally friends of friends, BUT I've met a few people through Substack (and am always open to meeting more!)
I think I'm gonna do the last prompt (Share something you’re interested in on social media and ask if anyone else wants to come) which will be a good challenge for me because in the past few years I've gotten irrationally shy around using social.
I've felt increasingly shy about using social recently, too. It's great that you're taking this opportunity to push yourself (gently) out of your comfort zone!
OK, I'm back! I shared a cool-looking restaurant event (h/t to Aliza, who sent it to me and said "this would be good for your prompt," haha)... and a few people responded, but all existing friends/not in Boston/etc. I think if I tried this again, I'd do something with a less firm date to make it likelier someone interested could do it (e.g. a movie, museum, etc.)
Nonetheless, it was good practice putting myself out there, and I *have* made some progress on the other prompts (will share more next Thursday!) Would love to hear how everyone else is doing :)
I'm Suzanne and I live in Portland, Maine. My hope for this training program and my unlikely friendship find are closely intertwined. I work with many women in their 50s and 60s and there is one in particular who I've really hit it off with. She gave me her daughter's phone number who is now a new friend of mine, but I really want to cultivate a cross-generational friendship with my colleague instead/also! I mentioned to her that I don't just want to be friends with her daughter but also with her and she laughed and asked why I would want to be friends with an 'oldie.' Anyways, I am hoping to be brave and not just take our friendship outside of work but also cultivate some new friends from another generation!
Another fan on Maine! We visit Portland and Biddeford areas a fair amount.
Some of my favorite female friends are in their 60s (I'm in my late 30s), so I'm cheering on your intergenerational friendship efforts!
Love this! A handful of my great friends are definitely in their 60s and 70s!
Love this. I actually met one of my good friends here through her mom :) haha. It's sweet how you told her directly. BTW anytime I meet someone from Maine I have to tell them it's my favorite place in the world :)
My favorite place as well! :) xo
I am in my later 50s and work for a software company where all of my colleagues are in their 20s and 30s and while I assumed at first they'd think I was the old granny in the room, I have become really friendly with a few of them. Conversely, my 20-something daughter works with women my age, and we agree that having cross-generational friendships has helped OUR relationship and helps us understand each other a little better. I highly recommend pursuing that friendship with your coworker!
I love this!! and am also happy you told her you wanted to be friend with her as well. Hopefully she’ll take you up on a few work happy hours. I’ve found in my (few, but lovely!) intergenerational friendships I have had to do a lot of the initiating, but it is worth it!!
HI all! I'm Liz and I'm on Boston's North Shore. I'm a freelance writer but these days, I'm pretty occupied with my three little boys (ages 6, 5, and 2.5)!
I've moved around quite a bit since college, including several years on the west coast from early 2017- late 2021. Between being so far away from family and friends, plus back-to-back-to-back pregnancies and COVID isolation during this period, my time on the west coast was pretty anti-social and lonely. It's only been recently that I've identified how lonely that time was and how it effected me. I value friendships in a deeper way since then.
I'm beyond grateful for my solid handful of college friends that I've kept in touch with, but we don't see each other all that much as we aren't all local. But thanks to my son starting kindergarten the year we moved back east, as well as an amazing neighborhood, I've started to "grow" my friendship circle and feel so lucky to have found a few really awesome mom friends, as well as reconnect with a few friends that I had here years ago.
But I know that friendships take work and time, and I'm hoping that this series can help me make this a bigger priority and encourage me to make the time to invest in my friendships - and not let being a tired mom be an excuse ;) I'm also hoping to find the strength to be truly myself in friendships, to share my interests (writing, books, home design, pop culture and more) and worries (holy moly motherhood), because I've reach the stage where I really value deeper conversations, honesty - realness.
I have to agree with my friend Amelia who commented a bit earlier regarding a funny place to meet a friend - we recently reconnected when we noticed each others name on an online parent course! I was so glad that she reached out and it has since quickly evolved into a wonderful and growing friendship - we have our sons to bond over but are getting to know each other and our interests as well. It's been lovely :)
“I've reached the stage where I really value deeper conversations, honesty - realness” YES! I relate to so much that you shared here, Liz.
And hello on the North Shore!!
Hi! I'm Mollie. I live in Cambridge, MA — right between Harvard and Central Squares, so hello neighbors! I'm turning 30 this year and have been kind of astounded by how much the (generally expected) transitions in mine and my friends' lives are affecting our dynamics in small and big ways. The light abrasion of being at different life stages, the realization that our visions of friendship's place in our lives may be different as we shift into "real adulthood," etc. My hope is that this program helps me cut through some of that awkwardness and identify ways to be more curious and appreciative of our differences.
My favorite unlikely friendship meet-cute was with a cashier at my favorite bagel shop. He was one of so few people I saw regularly during the worst of the pandemic. Week over week we learned more about each other through the take-out window. He's since left that job and we've lost touch, but whenever we bump into each other around the city we're both so excited.
Oh my gosh, hi!! I love that intention. I was thinking about this on a walk through *our* (ha) neighborhood yesterday — I have some friends going through big life changes right now. It's not my first rodeo, so unlike the first wave of changes I was responding to, I have a bit more practice allowing myself to feel some negative stuff (sadness, anxiety, etc.) while simultaneously being excited, happy, etc. on their behalf.
That's a great meet-cute, and I'm dying to know which bagel shop it is. We may need to take this conversation offline 🥹
Yes! I love this. It’s funny, I feel like my friendships made it through the first wave of transitions so seamlessly. It’s this second wave that’s been so challenging. Very excited to read the upcoming interviews!
And Bagelsaurus! Of course. I once chose an apartment mostly because it was around the corner 🥯🦕
i 💛 bagelsaurus
No way!!! Hi! My first apartment with Sam was on Harvard Street, between Harvard and Central Sq. That neighborhood brings back the best memories 🥹
Thank you so much for sharing this about your friendships! It resonates, big time.
My first apt was on Hancock Street between Harvard and Central!!
Omg! My place before this one was on Hancock Street! My partner was there for 9 years and I lived there for 5.
I replied on the other thread, but hello from Hancock Street! What a wild connection!
Insanely small world!!
I just turned 30 and totally get what you mean about the transitions!! I was completely overwhelmed by how many of my friends travelled for my 30th birthday - I’m not doing the hen party and wedding thing so I made it clear that it was important to me, and they SHOWED UP.
Aw, Lily, this made me smile. It can be so hard to accept affection (let alone ask for it). That's honestly one of the most beautiful parts of rituals, traditions, etc.; they provide a blueprint for taking in love! You sound like you have great friends.
Love how you asked for what you needed! YASS!
^ Absolutely love that you asked for what you needed—and got it!
Having friends who live nearby you is truly life changing. Even small interactions throughout the day from familiar faces are literally proven to make you happier :)
I have started to make a friend who lives walking distance away and today she texted to ask if she could borrow something and I ran over to drop it off and even that interaction made me smile!
Maybe it’s the “southern” in me (forever), but that’s the best!
I love to hear this! I just moved to a neighborhood where three friends live within walking distance and it’s been such a game changer
One friend walks by my apt on her way home from work and when we don’t have much time, she rings the buzzer and we talk through the speaker for a few. Always brightens my day!
Ohh I love that. 💖
My first apt in the Boston area was between Harvard and Central Squares! Hancock Street! Small world!! xo
Omg! At the risk of doxxjng myself, that’s my street! Love the connection
This is nuts ha!
I love those kind of "casual" relationships that don't take a lot of planning or effort but leave you feeling connected. 🥯
This is such a good point! Immediate mood booster.
Yes! I’ve been trying to find this article about it from 2020 because it used such a perfect term for the relationship: “loose connections”
Hi, I'm Margie!
I live in Nashville, Tennessee, which is where I grew up. My comment will probably sound douchey but HONESTY IZ THE NAME OF THE GAME. I have so many life struggles, but making/retaining good friends is not one of them. I'd actually be interested in discussing, as my friend once told me, how to have "less friends, better friends." How can I check my gut when asked to hang out and see if it's really something I want to do, not just feel obligated to do? How can I carve out meaningful time with the friends I already have that isn't centered on watching tv or sitting on the couch (which is great but you know, we gotta go do stuff too)? How do I lean into conflict so that the "better" friends and I keep doing the work to keep our friendship strong? Who can I let go of this year, who I may be occasionally getting drinks or meals with out of guilt?
ALSO, (this is not at all part of the prompt), I have loved using Marco Polo to stay in touch with my three study abroad friends. We've used it for years and it makes me feel close to them. I highly recommend it for friends who live in different cities.
I realize I went completely off base so I'll see y'all in the outfield
This doesn't sound douchey at all!! And (to give you a sneak peek of the interview we're running in two weeks), it seems like a lot of people struggle to turn *down* the intensity of friendships, or even pull back completely, because society doesn't give us a template for it. With someone you're dating, if you get too busy or you don't like them or you do but you only want to see them at 11 PM on a Thursday night (~honesty~), it might be awkward to shift the relationship, but we have some scripts and cultural guideposts to reference. Friendship has none of that!
Also, yours is the second Polo shoutout in the comments.
I was chatting with a friend recently about "maintenance friendships"—like, ones you feel compelled to show up for in a way that doesn't feel totally natural or fun, because you "have to" in order to maintain the tie—and oof, I want fewer of those too!
I know *exactly* what you’re talking about! Those types of friendships are exhausting and you don’t necessarily feel like you can show up as yourself fully in those situations.
i feel this! may be the trauma talking but sometimes i am compelled to hold on to friendships rather than let them run their course and focusing on quality over quantity. ill be curious to read the interview aja is teasing!
Hi I'm Brenna :) I live in Napoli, Italy! I have had a heck of a time making friends in my thirties. Since I don't have kids yet, it's that time in our lives when everyone feels like we are in different stages. I try to make friendships with people in all different phases and most importantly, intergenerational friendships!
My most interesting friend I've met since moving to Napoli is a retired man from Northern Ireland. We met at Italian school. He doesn't do well with the internet and he doesn't fly on planes! But we manage to keep in touch via EMAILs to each other about book recommendations. He is such a good writer and his book recommendations are fire.
Another random place I met a friend - at a women in business conference. I was going through a touch time and really needed a new friendship group. I complimented her outfit and her stylish backpack. We had so much in common and hit it off and exchanged numbers. It was great!
This is amazing! I get so nervous before exchanging phone numbers with a friend crush, but I never regret it.
I absolutely love intergenerational friendships—I have a few, and they're so special!—and the compliment-as-icebreaker.
Hi Brenna, expat life can be so diverse in terms of people you meet, but yes can be hard if they rotate often or seem too foreign. I’ll be excited to see what your friend garden grows :)
Aww thanks Amanda!
Oh I love this so much.
Hi! I’m Kaela and I live in Washington, D.C.! I work with Aliza (in fact, she used to be my boss - best boss ever) and am also a new mom.
When I had my daughter, I only had a few friends with kids, so I dove head first into parenting activities (new mom support group, weekly music class, etc) to expand my community. I’ve met SO many awesome people through these activities, but noticed I haven’t really developed any actual relationships, just chatted through WhatsApp or after class. My goal through this challenge is to move from “friendly stranger” to "friend" with a few parents - especially since it’ll benefit my daughter too.
I’ve made a ton of friends, including my best D.C. girlfriends, working at a barre studio! We all worked there in our mid-twenties as a side hustle and ended up finding lifelong friendships. We still visit the studio for a weekly class together. I hate awkward silence, so I always try to strike up conversation with my neighbor at the barre while waiting for class to begin. Sometimes people are open to chatting, sometimes they aren’t :)
Excited for this challenge Aja & Aliza!
The "friendly stranger" to "friend" transition is so tough! (Ask me how I know. 😂)
This is inspiring! I haven't been proactive enough about making friends through my kids activities, and I'd really like to change that!
Love that! I did barre3 for a while and with my 3x per week 6 am class I often thought to myself : why don't we talk to each other? Haha. Good for you for striking up convo.
Ahhh I worked at barre3 on 14th street! I wonder if we were ever in class together. Though, I don’t know if I could muster words at 6am 😂
I don’t think I’ve been to that studio. When I lived in DC I hadn’t yet discovered barre ✨ but usually I get along with all the barre3 girlies it’s funny how it attracts people with similar values. I think it would be fun to teach just to meet cool people. Sadly where I live now I only have access to the videos! I am commenting on Andrew and CJs videos hahaha 😜 top commenter
Hi everyone! I'm Molly and I live in Minneapolis, MN. I'm excited for this training program because I'd love to have time set aside to reflect on my friendships and ways I can continue to develop truly nourishing relationships. I think one of my goals is to try and keep FOMO out of my social life and focus on being present in important relationships.
I've made new friends through joining recreational sports teams (more specifically, carpooling or biking together to our games). That consistency of games (or a weekly workout class) with people makes it much easier to feel in touch and connected.
I think time and energy are what hold me back from cultivating newer relationships. I would love to make new friends but I feel like I first need to make sure all my other relationships are "solid" aka that I am feeling connected and close to them. This makes me excited to try prompt #2! I'm going to see if any of my friends would be interested in doing something where we each invite someone the other doesn't know very well.
Thanks Aliza and Aja!! I have loved everything else y'all have done with Platonic Love and am super excited about this :)
I feel the same way, Molly! It can be overwhelming to think about investing in new relationships when I'm long overdue on texting a friend back... or seeing their new place... or following up on the loose plans we'd made...
I'm also excited to see what happens when I try to bring less related parts of my social life together. It's scary but can definitely pay off (as an example, seeing Lacey and Aliza become friends has been really gratifying and lovely, and now the three of us can all hang out!)
<3
The repetition of seeing someone is so important :) I always have to remind myself that.
Hey Molly! I’m Emily and I live in St. Cloud, MN! I know it’s not super close to you but I have family in the cities area so get there pretty frequently for concerts, restaurants that sort of thing. Anyways I’ve been looking for some more friends and am in the same situation as you for time/energy. The last few months have been consumed with planning my wedding and house projects. If you’re at all interested in meeting, send me a message! :)
So excited for this newsletter!
I was intrigued by prompt #2 too, and I think you identified why it feels especially compelling!
helloo, ladies!
wow, what a showing for the first day! so impressed, A&A. i'm sarah, and i live in new york city, a place i moved to directly out of college and never intended to stay in for so long (that was 2008, sooo...). early on in my time in new york, i lost an entire friend group at once, and thus, had to get really good (or at least, try to get really good) at making new friends and putting myself out there. initially, this meant joining a myriad of book clubs, as well as getting into group fitness--an unlikely place in which i met a handful of truly wonderful new friends. said wonderful new friends chatted me up in the locker room, asking how often i came to class, or what color nail polish i had on my toes, et voila! friendships were born.
given this experience, you'd think i'd be a pro at saying hi to strangers, but the truth is, doing so STILL terrifies me. if i'm dining alone (something i'll be doing a lot this month as i spend the entirety of february in mexico city!), i always--ALWAYS--bring my kindle as a proverbial security blanket. and if you don't talk to me first, i likely won't talk to you...even if i desperately want to! if you start the convo, i'm golden, but for me to do so requires, at the very least, a couple glasses of wine.
SO! my goal for this program is to get better at being the one to make the first move. wish me luck :)
Striking up conversation with strangers can be *so* intimidating. I also love dining out alone with my Kindle (also feels much more romantic than sitting by yourself with your phone!) Our friend Natalie Compton (who writes https://nataliecompton.substack.com/) is a travel journalist and thus has tons of practice introducing herself to people in restaurants, bars, etc. Natalie, any stories or tips??
The best places for conversations: bars (hotel, airport, train station, cocktail) but you run the risk of drinking too much so always watch how much you're taking in!! Waters in between, maybe a mocktail.
It's almost always intimidating and always awkward at first. I'm a big "just say a thing and see what happens" person. Pointing out something we're both experiencing/looking at/eating. Some people just need a little nudge and the conversation will just happen, other times it could fall flat and you just let it go.
A month in Mexico City! I'm envious. Good luck!
one of my best friends moved to mexico city on a whim two years ago and she loves it! she has really pushed herself to make friends with locals but did a lot of things alone like this before finding community. i would be happy to put you two in touch if you are looking for company at any point!!
Hi everyone! I'm Amelia, I live in the country 2 hours north of NYC, am married with 2 teenagers, and am in my late 40s. Making friends as an adult is so much harder once college is over - although I found one exception was the years when kids first start school (preschool or K) which for me were a BONANZA for meeting people in the same stage of life with a lot in common! My favorite way to get to know people and feel out whether we could be friends is through joining a group of some sort - I've made friends with people I wouldn't typically meet through signing up for things like sports classes and volunteer roles. I find that having an activity and being within a group is a good way to feel people out - and if it's a class or volunteer thing, it doesn't have to go on forever. I find "coffee dates" super-awkward and intense!
I'd love to make more writing/content creation friends - I write full-time and it can be so, so lonely!
I'll be your writing/content creation friend! 🤗 And I second your volunteer activity suggestion. I started volunteering at my local nonprofit cinema two years ago, and it's such a fun, low-stress way to meet people.
Hi hi! (Anyone else watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith??) I'm Heidi. I'm a writer, editor, and mom. I met Aliza through Substack when I invited her to do an interview for my Mothers Who Make series. I met a lot of my friends online, either through networks like Substack or in a class. We bond over shared interests like writing, freelance life, and disability parenting in a way that I can't with IRL friends. Most of my IRL friends live too far away to see very often these days anyways. We do stay in touch with Polos and texts though, and I've found it's frequency and silly details that see us through and keep the relationship feeling alive. Making friends sounds overwhelming, but I would love to find more local people we can ask for help if we're sick or need childcare suddenly. It would be nice to trade with someone and have a real sense of community here.
Hi hi! (I crushed Mr. & Mrs. Smith in one weekend ahhhh)
I keep seeing people talking about it! Top of my list!!
It’s so good!!!
I looooved Maya Erskine in PEN15 (highly recommend if you haven't seen it already) so it's has been on my short-list too!
Also heard some rave reviews about Polo. So now I have two things to check out. :)
Now I need to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith! This whole thread is a reminder of how fun it is to watch something asynchronously with a group, and then share your take on it with everyone. (I'm doing that right now with all the Oscar Best Picture nominees.)
Hi, Lacey here! I live in Somerville, MA, SUPER close to Aja! The pandemic did a number on my energy levels within the context of social interactions, namely that I sort of forgot how to interact with others in a way that was not incredibly draining. (Note: as someone who scored the HIGHEST you can on the extroversion scale of the Myers-Briggs, this has come as a shock to me!). As I have built back my stamina in the last year, I have remembered just how important connections are to me, especially now that I am an adult and they don't come as readily. While I miss the days of college and early-twenties when all my friends lived within the same building or neighborhood block, I am finding this time in my early thirties to be very special and energizing in a new way. I can't wait to be a part of this conversation!
I recently became good friends with someone who I only loosely knew through a work environment in which both of us were very part-time. However, we bonded over having a shared mutual hatred for a previous work place (sadly common in the mental health world - I'm a therapist) and now we collaborate daily not only as colleagues but as friends! She is about 7 years younger than I am, but that doesn't really seem to mean much to either of us.
I like the idea of the hobby prompt as I have been semi-curious about knitting/crocheting!
Lacey, I love what you shared about your age difference, and frequency of collaboration! You must have such a meaningful connection -- and also clearly trust each others' judgement. That's really cool!
I don't think I fully appreciated how fulfilling having a creative space to collaborate and share ideas with friends could be for a relationship until Aja and I launched this newsletter.
Lacey, I scored on the extreme end of the introversion scale on MB, so I understand! Feeling exhausted by social interactions just comes more naturally to me 😂
Hahaha the struggle is real, no matter who you are!
I'm always coming back to this Clickhole quiz titled "Are You An Introvert, An Extrovert, Or A Sea Monster?"...most of my answers display a preference for living "undisturbed for decades in a secluded cove untouched by man or time." https://clickhole.com/are-you-an-introvert-an-extrovert-or-a-sea-monster-1825124480/
Hi everyone
My name is Rebecca and I live in London Ontario.
I would like to know how I can be a better friend and how I can make new friends that have a deep and authentic connection.
I can’t think of an unlikely place I have met a new friend. I recently was connecting with a person, who has become a friend at my gym and I asked her out to lunch to get to know her. It was great. Since then I feel like I am the one who continues to suggest getting together and they don’t show interest. I think - am I doing it wrong?
Looking forward to this workshop.
So glad you found us! 💛
Hi!!
My name is Siena and I'm a grad student living in New York City. I moved here two years ago and I feel really lucky to have made great relationships within my grad school's community. Later this year I'll be graduating, and I just accepted a job in a foreign country that I've never been to (exciting but scary). I'm interested in this series because I've been thinking more and more about what it will be like to start over, and with a lot less support and built-in community than when I moved to New York.
Right now the thought of starting from scratch feels exhausting and terrifying. I'd like to feel confident making friends in a more challenging environment, and even look forward to the opportunity to build a new community!
Sometimes I want to go back to school just for the built-in group of other folks searching for community! 🥹
What country are you moving to? I moved to Italy last year and found it was easy to make friends with other expats who know what you’re going through, but locals take more time and persistence 😊
I'm moving to Qatar! Huge expat population although not many Americans, from my research so far. How did you befriend other expats in Italy??
Through Facebook groups mostly! Which is surprising because I don’t use Facebook. But there were tons of expat events and groups there where I met up with people IRL.