This one is hard because people say in hindsight they wish you had said something. But I have said things to friends & it’s significantly impacted our friendships. When people are in denial about a partner they usually want to stay there & don’t want someone pointing out that their fairytale might not be so magical. And the majority of people prioritize romantic love over platonic love. I’ve learned to (mostly) keep my mouth shut unless asked.
same my (ex?) best friend is still not talking to me because i voiced serious concerns and it's been a year. I'm hopeful if they break up she'll come around but I hesitate to say people should always speak up because losing a deep friendship hurts a lot
You're such a good friend and this is NOT an easy situation. I am just getting out of a 12-year (!!) situation with a Ben and I had 1-2 friends that showed similar concern and I essentially stopped talking to them because I didn't want them to "judge" me.
This year, when it finally ended, I realized what I had done and called my best friend to let her know that I had essentially been avoiding her and lying to her for years because I knew the truth and I didn't want to hear it.
I think the best thing you can do is be open and show loving concern, which is exactly what you did. I'm glad it has worked out for her in general, and for your friendship!
Aww, thank you Patty! Congrats on ending things with your Ben — I know it’s reaaaally tough. So glad you were able to have that conversation with your friend.
this is a wonderful piece and I really admire you for being so open and reflective about your experience. I’m on the opposite end - I had a falling out with a friend's partner (because he made a misstep that she forgave him for but I can’t), And sometimes I regret speaking up. luckily it doesn’t seem to have impacted our friendship but it definitely means that a good chunk of her life is off-limits when we catch up.
I really feel there’s no winning, because I definitely felt/feel guilty for not being more vocal about Ben’s bad behavior. So sorry you’re going through it (and fingers crossed your friend eventually sees the light…)
I have been in both spots. A good friend said something to me about a “Ben” and while I’m so glad she did I didn’t listen to her until I realized on my own terms years later. Luckily our friendship wasn’t impacted and I still thank her all the time for speaking up.
On the other side, I’ve said something to a friend and they’re still together and it’s made it awkward. We tend not to talk about their relationship.
This is such an important conversation! Thank you for sharing, it isn't an easy thing to navigate and talking about it is the first step to normalizing.
It’s a tough situation to be in no matter what and it’s hard to know what the reaction or fall out might be whether you share your thoughts or not. So glad to hear you and Nadine are back to normalcy post-Ben!
totally not an easy situation. i’ve brought up red flags about friends’ boyfriends in the past and had some people get upset. or the worst is when they break up with a guy, i confess that i never liked them, and then a week later they get back together🫣
This one is hard because people say in hindsight they wish you had said something. But I have said things to friends & it’s significantly impacted our friendships. When people are in denial about a partner they usually want to stay there & don’t want someone pointing out that their fairytale might not be so magical. And the majority of people prioritize romantic love over platonic love. I’ve learned to (mostly) keep my mouth shut unless asked.
same my (ex?) best friend is still not talking to me because i voiced serious concerns and it's been a year. I'm hopeful if they break up she'll come around but I hesitate to say people should always speak up because losing a deep friendship hurts a lot
I agree!! It can be a real shoot the messenger situation unfortunately
Yeah that hurts Ariana.
Ugh, I’m so sorry, Ariana.
You're such a good friend and this is NOT an easy situation. I am just getting out of a 12-year (!!) situation with a Ben and I had 1-2 friends that showed similar concern and I essentially stopped talking to them because I didn't want them to "judge" me.
This year, when it finally ended, I realized what I had done and called my best friend to let her know that I had essentially been avoiding her and lying to her for years because I knew the truth and I didn't want to hear it.
I think the best thing you can do is be open and show loving concern, which is exactly what you did. I'm glad it has worked out for her in general, and for your friendship!
Aww, thank you Patty! Congrats on ending things with your Ben — I know it’s reaaaally tough. So glad you were able to have that conversation with your friend.
this is a wonderful piece and I really admire you for being so open and reflective about your experience. I’m on the opposite end - I had a falling out with a friend's partner (because he made a misstep that she forgave him for but I can’t), And sometimes I regret speaking up. luckily it doesn’t seem to have impacted our friendship but it definitely means that a good chunk of her life is off-limits when we catch up.
Yup I have two friendships like this!
how are you navigating them? do you regret speaking up?
I really feel there’s no winning, because I definitely felt/feel guilty for not being more vocal about Ben’s bad behavior. So sorry you’re going through it (and fingers crossed your friend eventually sees the light…)
I have been in both spots. A good friend said something to me about a “Ben” and while I’m so glad she did I didn’t listen to her until I realized on my own terms years later. Luckily our friendship wasn’t impacted and I still thank her all the time for speaking up.
On the other side, I’ve said something to a friend and they’re still together and it’s made it awkward. We tend not to talk about their relationship.
I LOVE that you thank your friend for speaking up. You’re a great friend.
I think I am on the opposite side where perhaps I am too vocal with my opinions. It’s hard to find a middle ground sometimes.
Also I’ve never one a contest in my life, I just went through a difficult life experience and this is a nice cheer me up thing to happen
Yay, we’re honored to be your first contest win!!
This is such an important conversation! Thank you for sharing, it isn't an easy thing to navigate and talking about it is the first step to normalizing.
Thank you, Sabrina — really appreciate the note. Xx
It’s a tough situation to be in no matter what and it’s hard to know what the reaction or fall out might be whether you share your thoughts or not. So glad to hear you and Nadine are back to normalcy post-Ben!
It was a long, hard road! Thanks Kait 💛💛
totally not an easy situation. i’ve brought up red flags about friends’ boyfriends in the past and had some people get upset. or the worst is when they break up with a guy, i confess that i never liked them, and then a week later they get back together🫣