Issue #107: "I need to be a rich man" (and other truths about singlehood)
Single women share their ups and downs.
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When I (Aja) sent out invitations for my 30th birthday party, it hit me: Nearly all of my friends are paired up. When Sam and I started dating in our early twenties, we’d been the anomaly — the only couple in the group. Now, we were the norm.
From weddings and mortgage applications to work parties and healthcare, it can often feel easier — and certainly more expected — to be with someone. But singlehood has its own joys and freedom. As Amrita shared in our piece about dating in your thirties, she’s “built a full and complete life without a romantic partner.” Romance is something she wants, but it’s no longer the foundation she’s looking to build her life upon.
Today’s issue is about the financial, emotional, and practical implications of being single as you get older. We asked single women of all ages to share their honest experiences about the economics of living alone, how their achievements are celebrated, planning for the future, and both the costs and benefits of single life.…
On daily life without a partner:
Cultivating a healthy social life can be challenging. “Making plans is all on me,” explains DR from New York City, 30. “There are never built-in plans from being at home,” and she worries that maintaining close relationships will get harder as friends retreat further and “burrow into” their family bubbles.
For Laura in London, big decisions can weigh more heavily when there’s no one to share them with. “As the owner of multiple pets (mainly acquired with ex partners), their euthanasia and making that call has been super hard when there’s no one to discuss or go through the actual process with,” she shares, noting this extends to caring for her aging parents, too.
On the practical side, Catherine from Montreal, 31, points out that cleaning takes twice as long without a partner or roommate to tackle different rooms — and Sandy calls out that figuring out how to cook for one without wasting food or money can be “a lot.” She’s learned to prepare food that can be easily frozen so she doesn’t have to eat the same thing every day.
That being said, some single women like handling the domestic labor solo: “[There are] no negotiations or frustration about chore imbalance,” F explains.
And Angela loves that her home is “fully my own.” “I can do what I want when I want to,” she says.
On the economics of living alone:
Housing choices look different when you’re the only one paying the mortgage or rent. Sandy highlights a frustrating (and shocking) reality many single women face: “Banks will give better deals to couples because there is less risk involved.”
As a result, many single women say they’ve made trade-offs when it comes to where they live.
Nic in Paris, 52, is at peace with having less space than her couple friends. “I would rather not overextend my budget to live in a bigger place,” she says pragmatically.
For Angela, “pushing myself financially” and buying a condo made more sense than facing ever-increasing rent prices by herself. Meanwhile, E in Toronto, 46, worked two jobs so she could afford to live alone.
Although supporting yourself is hard, some women also say it’s gratifying. “Many of my friends have never lived alone or supported their life 100% independently and it makes me so proud!” DR explains.
On celebrating achievements:
The single women we talked to have noticed their milestones are celebrated differently compared to relationship-based events like weddings and baby showers.
F in the UK says she was disappointed that friends barely acknowledged her PhD graduation or job promotion, yet would travel hours to celebrate engagements or babies. “I had a tiny dinner with my parents for my 30th and otherwise just feel a bit sad that my achievements go overlooked,” she admits.
Nic says, “Honestly I navigate this by mostly being friends with other single people. It's not a conscious decision, there is just some sort of natural ‘filter’ that seems to fall into place.”
For Erin in New York, a therapist’s advice helped her navigate post-divorce celebrations: “If my ex and I were still together, would I do this?” If the answer is yes, it’s worth doing. “I hosted my birthday party and it was so beautiful and supportive — and reminded me that I don’t need a partner to celebrate myself,” she says.
Others have found empowering ways to celebrate: Valerie took matters into her own hands for her 40th. “I threw myself a birthday party in Mexico City!” she says, “Six friends ended up coming, and I had the best time!”
On planning for the future:
Laura M says she thinks about retirement “daily.” Retirement planning looks different without a partner’s second income or the potential support of children. For someone like Laura, who faces both disability and caring for elderly parents, it is an enormous stressor. “Even if you are a self-employed, low earner (like me!) try and save a little,” she says. “Even small amounts can grow and bear fruit over twenty-plus years.”
F has similar fears, saying, “I’m a lot more cautious with money and ‘fun’ spending, as I worry I won’t have enough for the future. My advice would be to seriously think about possible ‘unexpected costs’ e.g. elder care/becoming disabled and unable to work, etc, and budget thinking about those — not just an ‘ideal’ retirement.” But you should enjoy yourself now, too: “Don’t live only for the future!”
Emily in NYC, 29, summed it up with a perfect Cher reference: “I need to be a rich man.” (Lol.)
On how the “single tax” shows up day-to-day:
Beyond the obvious, single women notice countless everyday ways they pay more that might surprise us if we weren’t looking out for it:
Erin A. is a single mother of a young child. “There just aren’t many other single mothers in my current life stage in my community. I think that sometimes people feel uncomfortable inviting me to gatherings where everyone else is in a couple, or bringing their husbands to things that I host,” she says. “I’ve had to be very explicit that I'm comfortable in both situations, and still want to be included.”
Meanwhile, Kinsie, 31, from D.C., points out the inequities that come from eating out or vacationing with couple friends: “They always want to split the bill evenly, but they only put one card down for two people, which means I end up paying more than my fair share. Not the end of the world but it definitely adds up.”
And there’s an emotional tax, too. “[I] feel like I dump too much on my close friends,” DR says. “And when the little things go wrong, you have to deal with it (when I got locked out of my apartment at 11 PM at night sans phone...)”
On the joys and freedoms of singlehood:
But it’s definitely not all downsides. Many women highlighted the parts of solo living that they wouldn’t trade:
F appreciates “making decisions without having to always negotiate/compromise with someone else,” along with “no financial conflict.”
Laura M calls out a grim benefit: “[Women in couples] are expected to carry the mental load as well as often the physical responsibility of running a household. Most of my female friends work full time but still end up in charge of cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/diary management (remembering birthdays, buying gifts, etc.), and men still seem to slack off. At least if you are on your own you know you need to do it all and don’t end up resenting a partner who doesn’t pull their weight.”
Catherine put it simply: “I would rather be single and happy than partnered and unhappy.”
Valerie enjoys being able to “decorate how I want, cook what I want, and travel where and when I want.”
And Emily loves “the freedom to say ‘yes’ to any experience without answering to someone or checking in.”
The bottom line
What resonated most with you from these responses? Have you found other unexpected costs (or benefits) to being single? And for our readers in relationships, have you noticed these differences between your single and partnered phases of life? As always, we’re reading every comment.
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Omg the rage I felt for Kinsie. Please speak up that if you are with couples who are splitting the bill, EVERYONE PUTS A CARD DOWN. I would never let this slide. Ever. Period. I think as single people we have to be more stern in setting boundaries like this.
This is such a good read, as a perpetually single person who is living in NYC spending an arm and a leg on rent, this resonated so much. I think about retirement DAILY too and am always shocked when people will travel for showers and weddings, but not acknowledge big moments in the single people's lives. Thank you for sharing!
I am a single woman in my mid-20s and I am deep in the era of weddings. I am so happy for my friends beginning life partnerships, but I just bought my first house(!!!) and I feel like that accomplishment is being put to the back burner because of weddings and bach parties. I do personally feel that I am very fulfilled in my life, I am close geographically to my remaining family, I have the flexibility to do whatever I want, honestly I think I am happier in my life right now than I have ever been in a relationship.