Issue #90: “How could anyone look at this woman and not think of her as ambitious?”
Talking to CEO & author Neha Ruch
Interview by
. Edited by .I (Aliza) found Mother Untitled, an online community for women downshifting or pausing their careers, at a pivotal moment — when I had just gone back to work after having my son. It was so comforting and refreshing to hear from women talking about the realities of motherhood: both the sublime and the extremely hard.
Mother Untitled’s founder, Neha Ruch, lives in Manhattan with her husband, two children, and dog, Coconut. She just published The Power Pause: How to Plan a Career Break After Kids — and Come Back Stronger Than Ever, a guide for parents that I loved for its blend of practical advice and reassuring data.
A few weeks ago, Neha shared one of Platonic Love’s issues on Instagram (a full-circle moment for me!), and I asked her if she’d sit down to talk about work, motherhood, and ambition.
On finding a sense of belonging:
I immigrated to Boston from India, and when I was growing up, it was predominantly white. I say that because, while some of my closest friends to this day are from there, I still really struggled with belonging. I took a year off between high school and college to come home to myself. When you separate from everyone and all the expectations, you can actually tune in to: What’s real? What do I care about?
On how motherhood changed her:
As I got older, I found a lot of self-worth and identity in my work. I worked in advertising, ended up going to business school, landed my dream job — and then I had my first son, Bodie, in January 2016. I think for the first time in a really long time, I felt that sense of belonging again. I can still remember a distinct moment — I was rocking him to sleep — and I felt so comfortable in my own skin.
There was something intriguing to me about motherhood. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sleep-deprived or reaching the ends of the internet on my phone because there was no one else around… it was being with him and exploring this next version of myself. So I downshifted to two days a week out of the home.
On the societal response to “scaling back” or “staying home”:
Pretty quickly, I started hearing: “Are you giving up? Are you going to be bored all day? Why’d you even bother with business school?” It definitely irked me, but it made me wonder: Why was there this mismatch between how others saw it and how I was feeling? I was fine. I could find my way back to work. But I was fascinated by how this little person was growing, and I wanted more of that. I was intrigued by how I might grow alongside him.
On bringing the realities of at-home parenthood into the 21st century:
I started meeting these incredible women who were nothing like the June Cleaver stereotype. They had decade-long careers. They had equitable relationships with their husbands.
If you ask people today who they picture as a stay-at-home mother, they still think of June Cleaver or I Love Lucy — fictional characters from decades ago, teetering around in aprons with a platter of cookies. But ask about working mothers, and they’ll name Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sheryl Sandberg, Beyoncé... That power chasm is huge. We’ve updated our image of working women — and seen a hugely positive shift for women’s careers as a result of second-wave feminism — but we’ve also cast undue shame on anyone choosing differently.
On the value of home labor:
The real privilege isn’t staying home or working, it’s having the choice at all. That’s why it’s crucial for couples to do the math together well in advance — acknowledging that home labor benefits the whole family. One in three women feel forced to stay home due to financial considerations, while others can’t afford to stay home even if they want to. What you don’t want to see is the woman saying, “I want to stay at home. It’s only a benefit to me.” That labor is letting everyone function.
On redefining ambition:
The true work of motherhood is awe-inspiring and often behind-the-scenes. There was this woman in St. Louis whose child was diagnosed with diabetes. She used to work in admissions at UCLA, and now she’s at home with her daughter. She spent hours on the phone with insurance companies figuring out how to get this child covered. She wrote a protocol for the school nurse for how to take care of this child in fringe cases like Active Shooter drills. She’s become a local ambassador to a group of moms of diagnosed children. These women are still working, growing, connecting, and finding new ways to lend their voice and talents.
The pure dictionary definition of ambition is the determination to do things. That’s it. When she described her days to me, I thought, “How could anyone look at this woman and not think of her as ambitious?”
On ways women are pivoting and supporting each other:
This isn’t about permanent choices — it’s about fluidity. Ninety percent of women on pause aim to return to work. One in two women working out of the house plan to down-shift their hours.
I talked to one woman in tech marketing who, after relocating and raising four kids, realized she was really good with preschool-aged children and became a teacher. Another woman told me she learned about a part-time schedule at JP Morgan through a friend of a friend; they gave her the exact template they used to propose the arrangement. We’re building a brain trust of women sharing what works.
Why we should stop asking: “What do you do?”
“What do you do?” has become shorthand for “Who are you?” That’s one of the hardest parts of stepping into a career break — losing that quick identity marker. On the other end, I’ve also heard people say, “Well, I don’t even want to ask her… because I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.” What if we asked different questions? Like, “What are you up to for the rest of the day?” This creates space for honest answers about how we’re really spending our time, whether it’s dealing with insurance calls, managing household repairs, or heading to the office. It’s about seeing the whole person, not just their job title.
We asked Neha to share a few more of her current favorites…
A book that inspires her: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is so helpful for understanding and making sense of other people’s judgments and criticism.
What she’s currently reading: The Wedding People by Alison Espach.
Who she’s currently listening to: Brandi Carlisle.
The best gift from a friend: A framed excerpt from the conclusion of The Power Pause, which the gifters worked with my husband to have my kids write. (Aliza: What a sweet idea!)
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Natural continuation of this work - to also normalize The Power Pause for fathers and other caregivers!
Great interview! Her work is so valuable and important