Issue #105: 36 excellent conversation starters for every occasion

So we can finally stop asking "How are you?"

Written by

Aliza Sir

and

Aja Frost

.

Aliza and Sam’s 2019 wedding in New Orleans (Photo credit: Maile Lani)

In my twenties, I (Aliza) volunteered at a yoga studio in exchange for free classes. One afternoon, the yoga teacher (my “boss”) gave me a tip: “When students are checking in, don’t ask ‘How are you?’” he said, explaining: “It can be a really difficult question to answer. I want people to show up to yoga and feel a release.”

At the time, I got the sentiment, but I couldn’t fully appreciate why someone might not want to hear — let alone answer — “How are you?”

Flash forward a decade. I sent Aja a joking-but-not voice note venting about “How are you?” Each time that I hear it, my mind goes to the IVF needles resting in a sharps container on our counter, waiting to be discarded. Or the appointment I have coming up to determine if I’ll need another surgery. Or a recent headline out of the White House.

I’ve always loved seeing other people — from weddings, reunions, and birthday parties to yes, networking events and even memorials — but I need some alternative questions to ask and answer. Here are 36 great ones Aja and I came up with for every occasion.

For milestone events, like weddings, memorials, reunions, graduations, and parties, ask questions that let people tell stories instead of giving updates:

1. What’s your favorite memory of [the person or people being celebrated]?

2. Do you remember how you first met [the person or people being celebrated?]

3. Has anything about today surprised you or stood out in a good way?

4. What’s changed the most since we last saw each other?

5. Is there a tradition your family has for [this type of event] that you particularly love?

6. What’s been the highlight of your year so far?

7. Have you been to many [weddings/reunions/parties] recently? Any that were particularly memorable?

8. If you could give one piece of advice to [the couple/the family/our younger selves], what would it be?

9. Do you have any happy memories associated with [place where event is happening]?

For kid-centric events, including baby showers, kids’ parties, and school events, focus on life transitions:

1. What’s the best parenting hack you’ve discovered lately?

2. What childhood toy do you wish would make a comeback?

3. What’s the best advice you received when you were [expecting/entering X life phase/etc.]?

4. Do you have any traditions from your own childhood you’ve held onto [as an adult, with your family now]?

5. What’s been the biggest surprise about [parenthood/this age/this school year]?

6. How has your social life changed since [having children/kids started school]? Any tips for balancing everything?

7. What’s something your kid has taught you recently that surprised you?

8. What’s the funniest thing your kid has said or done lately?

9. What’s been a top memory so far as a [parent/with your kids this year]?

For community events, including block parties, volunteer groups, exercise classes, and housewarmings, we focus on our connection to place and shared experience:

1. What’s your favorite local spot in this neighborhood?

2. What’s your favorite local tradition or event in [neighborhood, town]?

3. I’m looking for a good [local service, type of restaurant, activity] — do you have any recommendations?

4. What’s changed the most about [neighborhood, town] since you’ve been here?

5. Do you know the story behind [interesting local landmark or tradition]?

6. Have you tried that new [restaurant/shop/facility] that opened nearby?

7. What are your favorite [day, weekend] trips from [town]?

8. If you were giving someone a tour of the neighborhood, what would you definitely show them?

9. What’s your favorite thing about being part of this [neighborhood/community/group]? What keeps you connected here?

For professional events, such as conferences, networking events, offsites, and work dinners, get past job titles to what people actually care about in their work:

1. What’s been your favorite project to work on this year?

2. What brought you to this industry originally? Did you think you’d go into this field?

3. I’m curious — what does a typical day look like for you?

4. How do you describe what you do to your friends and family?

5. What’s something that’s changed in your field that most people don’t think or know about?

6. What’s a tool or resource you couldn’t live without?

7. Have you read any good books or articles related to [field] lately?

8. What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned since starting in [industry, role, field]?

9. If you weren’t in [field], what would your alternative career be?

Will you try these? Any great questions we missed?

Aliza and Sam lead the second line following their wedding ceremony (Photo credit: Maile Lani)

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