Issue #103: 10 things I'd tell my 16-year-old self
On body insecurity, fighting with your parents, finding your people, and more
Written by
. Edited by .When I (Aja) was sixteen, I was a bundle of contradictions — equally as obsessed with getting the top score on my AP US History test as sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet up with my boyfriend.1 I loved my family but couldn’t stand being around them. Half the time, I was convinced I was going to change the world; the other half, I wanted to crawl under my covers and never come out.
If I could go back in time, here are the ten things I’d tell that prickly, ambitious, hopeful sixteen-year-old self…
1. You can’t exercise your way out of body insecurity.
There’s no magic weight where you’ll feel confident. You can exercise and exercise and deprive yourself into your “goal weight,” and you will still be insecure. You’ll need to figure out a way to like (or at least feel neutral toward) your body that’s not tied to its physical reality. (I wish I could save you from this. I’m still working on it.)
2. There will come a time when you’ll crave your sister’s presence.
This is surprising, because for most of your life she’s wanted to hang out with you way more than you’ve wanted to hang out with her. Right when you figure out how cool, funny, and interesting she is, she’ll move six thousand miles away to the Middle East.
3. Wear what makes you feel good.
Believe it or not, in fourteen years you’ll still be shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch. But trying to zip yourself into their jeans will no longer make you cry.
On that note: What you wear should always make you feel comfortable and at ease. If it doesn’t feel good in the dressing room, it definitely won’t feel good later.
4. Relationships aren’t perfect, even with the right person.
Nothing will ever feel as intense as that first heartbreak. Even though he was absolutely not the right person. It’s hard to imagine now, but you’ll get over him. (So over him that, at 30, you’ll have anxiety dreams that you’re still together and need to break up with him.)
When you do find your person — although he’s incredible, and you’re so happy you’re with him — your relationship won’t automatically be perfect. Don’t panic about breaking up every time you fight. Don’t be afraid of couple’s therapy.
5. College isn’t the only place to find your people.
You won’t find your people in college. You will find them after you graduate.
However, “your people” doesn’t always mean one big, tight-knit friend group. Sometimes you’ll have that; other times you’ll have a bunch of friends who don’t really know each other, but they all love you, and that is also lovely and fun and enough.
6. Just because someone is an adult doesn’t mean they’re right.
For example, that math teacher who told you that your voice was annoying? Wrong. Your voice is great.
And you are good at math. You’re going to crush statistics. It was the math teacher who made you think you aren’t, and, as we’ve established, he’s an asshole.
I know you feel like a “bad kid” because you talk back to your dad and sometimes smoke pot… but really, you’re just a teenager. Give yourself some grace.
7. Your relationship with money will get better (mostly).
When you’re older, you’ll be able to afford to get an appetizer AND a drink. Yet long after many of your money hangups have gone away, you’ll still feel anxious about spending too much money at restaurants.
Apart from that, having money is just as nice (nicer?) than you’d imagined it to be.
8. Going to college matters, but where you go doesn’t.
Your career has in no way suffered because you didn’t attend an Ivy League (sorry, spoiler.) Seriously, you have no idea where any of your coworkers went to college.
9. In 2025 terms, you’re an “outgoing introvert.”
If you’re tempted to cancel because you’re stressed, sad, or crabby: Go. If you’re tempted to cancel because you’re completely overwhelmed: Cancel.
And if you’re at a big party, and all at once, your social battery dies, try the Irish exit. Just pretend you’re going to the bathroom and slip out the door.
10. Your capacity for joy will expand alongside your heartbreaks.
The first big heartbreak feels world-ending because it’s all you know of pain. But as you accumulate more losses and disappointments, you’ll also develop a deeper appreciation for what’s good. You’ll find yourself tearing up at beautiful music, laughing until your sides hurt with your friends, and feeling almost painful gratitude for ordinary days. As cheesy as it sounds: The heart grows in all directions.
I’d love to hear from you…
What would you tell your sixteen-year-old self?
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At some point, I’ll write about the time I was sprayed by a skunk sneaking back in. (Aliza: This is one of my favorite stories… ever!)
As someone who has worked in higher ed (starting in admissions) for 25+ years, can I just say a giant AMEN to the idea of going to college matters but not getting into an Ivy doesn't idea? I wish all 16 year olds could know that most colleges admit most of their applicants most of the time and that all the talk about the highly selective schools makes it seem like there are only like 50 good schools in the world and that just isn't remotely true.
There is no one right college for anyone and most people will end up satisfied with where they go, even if it isn't a "brand name".
Sorry, this is one of my soapboxes! Standing down now :)
I was probably most self-confident at 16. I would tell her to keep on keeping on and follow her soul no matter what.