Tears in my eyes. I feel SEEN. I feel like I could have written this. Sex and intimacy are so different postpartum. For me it’s been a tough journey of wanting to want to have sex, but just being so tired/touched out/spent at the end of the day. Like on one level I want to be a sexual person again, but mostly I’m just tired. Plus, yes, my vagina is NOT what she used to be 😂 loved this, more please, keep it up.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful and vulnerable piece and series.
A few thoughts for new mama in this piece: (TW: body stuff, surgery, birth etc)
1. Heartfelt congratulations on birthing A HUMAN BEING, mere months ago YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING. FULL STOP.
2. YOU HAVE SO MANY JOBS. You're a new parent! You work outside the home! You are MF PUMPING! YOU ARE AMAZING SEE #1.
3. Pumping SUCKS ON EVERY LEVEL. (Congrats to those amazing people who like pumping you majestic creatures.) And, you are doing it, even though it is deeply brutal and depleting in all the ways.
4. Pelvic floor therapy of it all. JFC. It sucks so bad. I had major pelvic floor failure (lol, what a term) during pregnancy and following birth. Peeing all the time is so demoralizing. We had a whole separate detergent for my exercise clothes. I say this to say, you are so not alone, and this is not talked about nearly enough. And it fucking sucks. It's not you. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
5. Find things that make you feel good in your body however feasible in your life. Random things I did: adapted a uniform of six things I could wear that felt remotely good, got really into gua sha for my face, watercolors, walking with podcasts.
6. Find things that make you connect to your body when you're ready, FOR YOU. Ideas: Get a vibrator. Read romance/smut (Read the partners you want to see in the world amirite?!) Involve your partner if/when you're ready. START with your badass self. YOU RULE, and this doesn't change.
7. I went on a major journey to become pregnant, to have a child, and post-partum, and now as a parent (gah, can you tell?). Consider therapy if/how/when you can. Having a badass therapist that cheerleads you and helps you unpack all that's happening in a supportive space is SO worth it. (tell your partner to do this too, they need therapy too, obvs too duh).
MOST OF ALL, YOU ARE AMAZING MIRACLE. YOU'VE GOT THIS.
As someone who hasn't had a baby, nor someone with a partner, this still brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this. It's so nice reading that you and D spoon every night and that he whispers that he loves you in his ear. You hold hands. It seems like "I got you" is imbued within his actions and how he's showing up as a dad and husband, just as you are as a mom and wife and coworker and person... Thank you for vulnerably sharing this intimate look inside your life.
Alriiiight, so this is very vulnerable but as an unmarried woman interested in maybe being married one day, my takeaway from this post wasn’t so much about the topic of sex, but just the dynamic of the relationship between the writer and her husband. I am very freshly single after ending a relationship that I felt like I was settling in (great guy but our the compatibility was lacking) and this post and the dynamics of the author’s marriage is giving me something to strive for. 🥲😌❤️
I'm so glad that you picked up on this too!!! Will be rooting for you -- sounds like you're on the way to finding the person who gives you all you deserve 💛
This is so relatable, and I very much felt this way postpartum. Two things that are very very true, though:
1. You WILL want to have sex again and it will feel good again! I had some real low spells after the births of my kids, but things are very (VERY) good again. It takes a year to recover!
2. You will never be able to do jumping jacks again haha.
Pelvic physical therapy is a miracle. I’m lucky/unlucky in that I’d already been going for 5 years when my son was born, so I didn’t have to deal with it as a new thing along with the identity shift of matrescence, and I had leaking beforehand as well. Pelvic PT with my amazing French doctor, plus mucogyne and some sort of vaginal light therapy (red light? Infrared? No idea but it worked) have made things better than my 20s. I’ve been to so many pelvic PTs and she changed my life. She’s very in demand and I told her I was pregnant with my second a solid 2 hours before my husband woke up!
I read a study somewhere that said after kids desire doesn’t lessen, simply desire for your husband? I think it was Dr Morgan Cutlip. And I’m sure some of that is being in the trenches. But this season isn’t forever. Romance novels are such a wonder. Sex is much rarer than it was before 2 small kids. But I would argue it’s better in some ways.
I’m almost 30 years old without a baby or even a partner at the moment, but I feel in my bones that I want to have a family someday. I really felt how difficult early motherhood will be while reading this and yet how much I still want to experience it. Big hugs and thanks to the new mom for her bravery to share so honestly. I love hearing women share honestly about motherhood and aging more often and openly these days.
Wow I really loved this. Currently 27 weeks (woo third trimester lets goo) pregnant with our second and this pregnancy has been kicking my ass. Besides the fatigue, body aches, pain, and feeling more out of place in my own body than I’ve ever felt before, I am always sick and just have zero libido. It’s a completely different pregnancy than my first which seems like some sort of universe payback.
I worry so much about whether my husband and I will get back to the “before times”. I feel guilty for how much emotional space I take up in our relationship now and all the yuck that comes. Always trying to have grace for myself and my husband is the best and is very affirming but man. I’m nervous about what postpartum will look like this time around and how we will crawl back from such an intimacy deficit.
Really enjoyed this! Thank you for sharing. 15 weeks postpartum here and I wish I was having more of these conversations to feel normal, especially the vagina/vulvaplasty comment, too funny and too accurate!
Tears in my eyes. I feel SEEN. I feel like I could have written this. Sex and intimacy are so different postpartum. For me it’s been a tough journey of wanting to want to have sex, but just being so tired/touched out/spent at the end of the day. Like on one level I want to be a sexual person again, but mostly I’m just tired. Plus, yes, my vagina is NOT what she used to be 😂 loved this, more please, keep it up.
Aw, Liza, this comment means the world to us — thank you. (We passed it on to our writer, and she said, "new vaginas unite!")
Dear Aja and Aliza:
Thanks for sharing this beautiful and vulnerable piece and series.
A few thoughts for new mama in this piece: (TW: body stuff, surgery, birth etc)
1. Heartfelt congratulations on birthing A HUMAN BEING, mere months ago YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING. FULL STOP.
2. YOU HAVE SO MANY JOBS. You're a new parent! You work outside the home! You are MF PUMPING! YOU ARE AMAZING SEE #1.
3. Pumping SUCKS ON EVERY LEVEL. (Congrats to those amazing people who like pumping you majestic creatures.) And, you are doing it, even though it is deeply brutal and depleting in all the ways.
4. Pelvic floor therapy of it all. JFC. It sucks so bad. I had major pelvic floor failure (lol, what a term) during pregnancy and following birth. Peeing all the time is so demoralizing. We had a whole separate detergent for my exercise clothes. I say this to say, you are so not alone, and this is not talked about nearly enough. And it fucking sucks. It's not you. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
5. Find things that make you feel good in your body however feasible in your life. Random things I did: adapted a uniform of six things I could wear that felt remotely good, got really into gua sha for my face, watercolors, walking with podcasts.
6. Find things that make you connect to your body when you're ready, FOR YOU. Ideas: Get a vibrator. Read romance/smut (Read the partners you want to see in the world amirite?!) Involve your partner if/when you're ready. START with your badass self. YOU RULE, and this doesn't change.
7. I went on a major journey to become pregnant, to have a child, and post-partum, and now as a parent (gah, can you tell?). Consider therapy if/how/when you can. Having a badass therapist that cheerleads you and helps you unpack all that's happening in a supportive space is SO worth it. (tell your partner to do this too, they need therapy too, obvs too duh).
MOST OF ALL, YOU ARE AMAZING MIRACLE. YOU'VE GOT THIS.
SENDING LOVE.
Yes yes yes!!!
As someone who hasn't had a baby, nor someone with a partner, this still brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this. It's so nice reading that you and D spoon every night and that he whispers that he loves you in his ear. You hold hands. It seems like "I got you" is imbued within his actions and how he's showing up as a dad and husband, just as you are as a mom and wife and coworker and person... Thank you for vulnerably sharing this intimate look inside your life.
I felt the exact same way. Thanks so much for sharing, Hannah!
Alriiiight, so this is very vulnerable but as an unmarried woman interested in maybe being married one day, my takeaway from this post wasn’t so much about the topic of sex, but just the dynamic of the relationship between the writer and her husband. I am very freshly single after ending a relationship that I felt like I was settling in (great guy but our the compatibility was lacking) and this post and the dynamics of the author’s marriage is giving me something to strive for. 🥲😌❤️
I'm so glad that you picked up on this too!!! Will be rooting for you -- sounds like you're on the way to finding the person who gives you all you deserve 💛
This is so relatable, and I very much felt this way postpartum. Two things that are very very true, though:
1. You WILL want to have sex again and it will feel good again! I had some real low spells after the births of my kids, but things are very (VERY) good again. It takes a year to recover!
2. You will never be able to do jumping jacks again haha.
Hah! Lovee this, Tania.
Pelvic physical therapy is a miracle. I’m lucky/unlucky in that I’d already been going for 5 years when my son was born, so I didn’t have to deal with it as a new thing along with the identity shift of matrescence, and I had leaking beforehand as well. Pelvic PT with my amazing French doctor, plus mucogyne and some sort of vaginal light therapy (red light? Infrared? No idea but it worked) have made things better than my 20s. I’ve been to so many pelvic PTs and she changed my life. She’s very in demand and I told her I was pregnant with my second a solid 2 hours before my husband woke up!
I read a study somewhere that said after kids desire doesn’t lessen, simply desire for your husband? I think it was Dr Morgan Cutlip. And I’m sure some of that is being in the trenches. But this season isn’t forever. Romance novels are such a wonder. Sex is much rarer than it was before 2 small kids. But I would argue it’s better in some ways.
I'm looking up Dr. Morgan Cutlip now! Thank you so much for sharing all of this, Kelly 💛
I’m almost 30 years old without a baby or even a partner at the moment, but I feel in my bones that I want to have a family someday. I really felt how difficult early motherhood will be while reading this and yet how much I still want to experience it. Big hugs and thanks to the new mom for her bravery to share so honestly. I love hearing women share honestly about motherhood and aging more often and openly these days.
Aw thank you Julia!!! Passing this along 💛
BRILLIANT idea for a series! 👏
Thank you Amelia! 💛
Wow I really loved this. Currently 27 weeks (woo third trimester lets goo) pregnant with our second and this pregnancy has been kicking my ass. Besides the fatigue, body aches, pain, and feeling more out of place in my own body than I’ve ever felt before, I am always sick and just have zero libido. It’s a completely different pregnancy than my first which seems like some sort of universe payback.
I worry so much about whether my husband and I will get back to the “before times”. I feel guilty for how much emotional space I take up in our relationship now and all the yuck that comes. Always trying to have grace for myself and my husband is the best and is very affirming but man. I’m nervous about what postpartum will look like this time around and how we will crawl back from such an intimacy deficit.
Thank you for making me feel seen!!
Really enjoyed this! Thank you for sharing. 15 weeks postpartum here and I wish I was having more of these conversations to feel normal, especially the vagina/vulvaplasty comment, too funny and too accurate!