Links we sent our friends #47

Perfect summer sandals, coconut granola, and more with a guest...

Hello! Aja here. I can't stop looking at our new logo and design.

Some of the logo & color palette options we considered — more behind the scenes to come! (Logo by the amazing Gina Glogovac)

Like us, poet, essayist, and author of the best-selling Substack Write More, Be Less Careful,

Nancy Reddy

is deeply interested in friendship. We’re excited to have her on this week to share some links as well as a conversation later in this issue with her friend about kids (Nancy has them, her best friend Ana does not.) 

Nancy’s Links:

1. I have a long drive to work, and I listen to tons of podcasts. Mother Culture (soon to be The Mother of It All), with Sarah Wheeler and Miranda Rake, is my current favorite. They have the most interesting guests: Emily Gould came on to discuss her viral essay;

   Kathryn Jezer-Morton
   talked about Dr. Becky and the optimization of parenting…

2. Two recent books by Philly area writers I’ve loved: Annie Liontas' Sex With a Brain Injury and Marie-Helene Bertino's Beautyland.

3. My older kid and I recently rediscovered this large clump coconut granola, which is both the most delicious and the easiest I've ever made. Five ingredients plus salt (I’ve never been able to find the millet it calls for, and it’s great without); mix it all up, pop it in the oven, and leave it there until it’s done.

4. This chopped broccoli salad with spicy cashew dressing is more of a production, but it makes a ton and is good for a couple days, so it’s great to have a big bowl of it in the fridge. 

Aja’s Links:

1. The prettiest house tour.

2. There is no correct reaction but: Oh. My. God. (Aliza: Shout out, BNA.)

3. If you spend any time at all on Zoom, I highly recommend this. (I bought it after my previous one broke, and not only is it much easier to use, it’s also cheaper and more flattering!)

4. An extremely cute NYT love story. Gift link.

5. Is this the next viral bag?

6. Intrigued by the concept of a pizza tasting menu…

Aliza’s Links:

1. Sam and I both loved the new two-part documentary series on Steve Martin’s life — I need more friends to watch it so we can talk about it! 

2. After The Strategist featured these $300 sandals a few weeks ago, I was determined to find a less expensive alternative. What do you think?

3. My sister-in-law is a big fan of Rakuten for getting cash back on online shopping (including diapers!) Am I the only one who didn’t know about this? (Aja: Sam’s obsessed with it…)

4. Speaking of online shopping, since when does Mociun have home and kitchen items!?! LOVEEEEE.¹ 

5. The Meta algorithm knows me so well.² 

Nancy and Ana Lincoln became friends in graduate school fifteen years ago. Since then, they’ve gone through some big changes: They each moved across the country, Nancy and her husband Smith welcomed two children (now eight and ten), and Ana and her spouse Sean made the decision to stay child-free. 

Despite these shifts, their friendship is stronger than ever.

Nancy: We actually became closer friends when I was pregnant. I didn’t expect that. I felt so weird and nervous because Smith and I were really the first ones — in our city and grad school, at least — to have kids. But you were so excited when I told you. 

Ana: I remember that! I was so excited. The whole work and kids thing is really hard in our culture, given the pressure on individuals and families as a single unit to “figure it out ” — so I love seeing my friends get what they want, whether that’s children, a new job...

Nancy: I can’t help but think about us a lot with the recent conversations around trying to maintain a friendship across the kids/no kids divide. It's really complicated — but sometimes I think we make it too complicated. 

You’ve had to navigate this shift with so many of your friends.

Ana: Communication has been so big — conversations like these, where we address the fact that the material conditions of life with kids are different than without kids. I appreciate my friends who trust me enough to call it out upfront; then we can figure out ways to still spend time together. For example, it’s reassuring to hear: Hey, we are barely sleeping right now, so if I'm out of touch, it’s not because I don't care about our friendship. 

You and Smith also do a great job articulating my importance in your life — Smith has said “thank you for loving our kids”; your kids send us personal notes… Those efforts mean the world to me.

I think the only time I ever felt insecure about our friendship was when you told me you’d joined a mom group. I remember feeling this little flash of insecurity that maybe I couldn’t be as close with you because I don’t have kids. 

Nancy: A thing I learned from that mom group is that it's not really sufficient as a point of connection. We all had kids around the same time, but that's not enough to stitch a friendship together. That's not the making of a long-term friendship.

Ana: That’s why I chafe against the idea of this child-free/parents binary. Because you and I connect over your kids. Parenting is incredibly vulnerable and by letting me into your family’s lives, it’s brought us closer. 

Nancy: You’ve developed close relationships with many of your friends’ kids — that’s really special. Like, you'll come and hang out with my kids and do craft projects that I don’t have patience for. I know you work to maintain those relationships across distance and time.

Ana:  During the pandemic, I baked — over Zoom — with my friend Luna's daughter Marin. Luna told me she thought Marin needed time with other adults, so she wasn’t going to show up much on the Zoom. Marin and I would talk for 20 minutes while our treats baked, and then we’d eat them together.

It sometimes does feel like there's this expectation that, because the logistics of kids are so difficult, Sean and I will be the ones to come over or to travel. Mostly we don’t mind, but it matters to me as somebody without kids that you and Smith still show up in our lives, that you come visit us too. You show us our lives are not less important in the friendship by doing things like celebrating my graduation and getting a babysitter so you can attend a birthday dinner. And you’ve said, you want your kids to see our lives — to see different choices and different places.

Nancy: You’re absolutely part of Penn’s inspiration for his adult life, like being a grownup who lives in a house by himself, full of dogs. I want my kids to see there are a lot of ways to live a good, full life. 

Left: Nancy & Ana with Nancy’s newborn; Right: Ana & Sean play dress-up with Nancy’s kids (source: Nancy Reddy)

Thank you so much, Ana and Nancy, for giving us a glimpse into your friendship. Subscribe to Nancy’s Substack for tips on making space for writing in a busy life, and follow her on Instagram for updates on her next book, The Good Mother Myth — about the origins of our bad ideas around “good mothers” — which comes out next year!

Question we asked our friends:

Now that the weather’s getting warmer (!!), what outdoor activities are you excited to do? Sam and I (Aja) have started going on Tuesday night picnics — we’ve got a few neighborhood delis in the rotation and a favorite park. A new highlight of my week.

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1.  Aja, I’d like to reserve a guest spot on your wedding registry, please.

2.  This video is several years old but I’m grateful Facebook kept it in the rotation.