Links we sent our friends #40
Featuring guest links from Kate Eskuri of The Reset and some genius tips from Caroline Chambers
I (Aliza) started following
on Instagram not long after I gave birth to Jude — and around when Caroline welcomed her third son, Cash. As the months passed, I’d see Caroline on vacation with her girlfriends (and their kids), or going out to dinner with her husband and I’d think, Okay, I can do this.That’s why I was so excited to talk to her as part of our Friendship Training Program. Read on for Caroline’s strategies for (and honest stories about!) incorporating friendship into an already full life.
But first, the links we sent our friends this week, featuring
— a new friend with thoughtful, balanced takes on cultivating a full life.Kate is a registered nurse with a doctorate in integrative health and board certification in health coaching. She writes
, a super informative and approachable newsletter that delves into health, home decor, and motherhood for its 18K+ readers (who include me and Aja!)Kate’s Links:
Is The Devil Wears Prada anyone else’s comfort movie? This conversation between Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt reflecting on the stories and context behind their iconic lines was the most joy-inducing thing I’ve read in a while (I liked it so much I read it twice!)
About one hour before bed, I stir a small spoonful of this magnesium mix into a mug and sip it slowly. It’s changed the game for my sleep.
I might’ve found the perfect cardigan… It’s oversized yet not too slouchy, keeps me warm without getting too hot, and is incredibly soft and cuddly without shedding or pilling.
I am a proud mom to a 19-month-old. Tess Guinery’s poem on motherhood (from The Apricot Memoirs) always hits me in my feels.
Sipping on hot tea can help reduce bloating, especially if it contains herbs like ginger, peppermint, and fennel. This specific blend is delicious and effective.
Aliza’s Links:
My number one “feel good” TV show is back with a new season!
Sam also got me to watch the first episodes of Shogun (based on one of his favorite books of all time) — and I’m surprisingly into it.
I’ve been looking for a guide to starting an affordable art collection, and
has pulled together a very approachable one. (Aja: Bookmarked!)Discovered this brilliant styling invention after seeing
use it.Do you need a cute Kindle case? (h/t
’ newsletter .)
Aja’s Links:
11 surprising and useful microwave shortcuts.
A weather app you’ll look forward to using.
It’s been nearly two months and I’m still thinking about this incredible New York City penthouse… cottage. (You’ll see.)
Women buy more cars, so why are the designs so macho?
Again reminding you how great Zara Home is: Exhibits A, B, and C.
So cool: A seventeen-year-old has opened the first YA bookstore in the U.S.
Newsletter we sent our friends:
What to Cook is written by
, a professional recipe developer, cookbook author, and mom of three who develops absolutely delicious recipes requiring minimal pots and pans, ingredients, and time.What’s one friendship quality that makes you proud?
I’m a really good hype girl. The other night I was out to dinner with a friend and we ran into one of my other friends. I was like, “Jess, Monica owns Chez Noir! She just got a freaking Michelin Star! Monica, Jess is an INCREDIBLE artist; she’s so incredibly talented!” They were both like, Ok, ok, pipe down, lady. But I can’t help it! I am so proud of all of my friends: They’re all so smart and funny and talented, and I want the world to know it.
How has becoming a mom changed what it means to be a good friend?
I have three kids ages five and under, while most of my friends in Carmel Valley have two. This used to make me feel really needy, like I was constantly having to ask for help.
Letting go of the expectation that I can and should be able to do it all by myself has been huge. If I take all three to the park to meet up with friends by myself, my friends are constantly helping me tie shoes, wipe butts, chase the baby, whatever.
And it goes both ways — even though I have three so I intrinsically need more help than they do — they’ll be holding my baby, Cash, so I’ll take their kid to the bathroom. They’ll be tying my middle son’s shoes, so I’ll grab their kid a snack.
The best kind of mom friends are the ones who you instantly fall into “village” mode with. The ones who you don’t have to ask for help, because they’re two steps ahead of you, and they lend a hand without having to be asked.
One of my best friends and I have taken our kids on a lot of trips together — we both have flexible work schedules, but our husbands don’t, so we go without our husbands when we can. We are a well-oiled machine. She does the laundry while I get dinner ready. She takes the big kids to the playground while I put the baby down for a nap. We take care of each other so seamlessly and effortlessly that even though it’s madness traveling with our six kids, we always end the trip feeling like we took a proper vacation. (We also make sure to book some sitter time so that we can truly relax!)
What’s your ideal friend date?
Several years ago, a few of my local friends and I realized that although we hung out all the time, it was always with our kids, so we never really got to get into it. We started “salad club,” a weekly lunch get-together.
It’s a quick and efficient hang out, usually a little over an hour — kind of like a friendship power hour where we discuss the latest at work, our kids, our parents, etc.
The best kind of mom friends are the ones who you instantly fall into “village” mode with. The ones who you don’t have to ask for help, because they’re two steps ahead of you, and they lend a hand without having to be asked.
The host, who changes each week, cooks and cleans. Everybody else just shows up. We’ve been doing this for over two years and it’s such a highlight of my week. To be fed and taken care of is such a gift, and also, to feed and take care of the people you love is such a pleasure! When I host, I almost always test out a
recipe. My most popular recipe is my salmon tempura crunch bowls, and my friends are responsible for the feedback that made that recipe what it is.Who’s the friend you call… when you’re feeling burnt out?
My friend Cheetah (it’s a nickname, but it’s one of those nicknames that has become her real name, you know?) is whom I go to when I need some tough love.
I was close to the finish line on a really big project recently and texted her, “I hate this, it’s horrible.” I’ll never forget her response. She said, “You are not special, we all feel this way.” I was like, Oh, shit, ok. Back on the saddle, then.
Who’s the friend you call… when you’re nostalgic?
Any one of my boarding school friends. I’m lucky to have some amazing, amazing people in my life whom I met when I was 14 years old. When you’re fourteen, far from your family, surrounded by other fourteen year olds, you wind up raising each other, in a sense. We’re bonded for life.
I had dinner with five of my boarding school girlfriends when I was in New York recently, and even though I don’t talk to them every day or even month, I left knowing any of them would do absolutely anything for me, and I’d do anything for them. My husband calls these “body in the trunk” friends, as in, friends so loyal that if you called them and said “There’s a body in the trunk of my car and I need help,” they’d immediately respond, “Where should I meet you?”
When have you tried making a friend — but it failed?
My husband and I have moved around a lot — he was in the military, then got out and went to grad school, and then started a business in Monterey County, where we are now.
Every single time that we’ve moved to a new town, I’ve struck out over and over again, trying to force friendships that weren’t right. I spent so much time on relationships that felt wrong, but I had no other options!
Making new friends is work. Lots of trial and error. I think it’s important to know that we all feel this way. Lots of “first dates” that lead nowhere. Stay strong — your people are out there.
When have you taken a risk to try and make a friend — and it worked?
Our first year in Palo Alto (where my husband George went to business school), I was a stressed, anxious monster. I was commuting from Palo Alto to San Francisco to a really high-stress workplace, and then I’d get home after a long workday and George would be like, “Want to go play beer pong?!”
I did not want to go play beer pong.
No thanks to me, we got invited to a dinner party at these people named Lexie and Mark’s house. As I mentioned, I was in stressed anxious monster mode, and I made a terrible impression and never spoke to Lexie again.
I think it’s important to know that we all feel this way. Lots of “first dates” that lead nowhere. Stay strong — your people are out there.
Cut to next fall, Mark and George had become good friends, so we got dinner again. I quickly realized how FUN and amazing Lexie was (she was headed to a book club after dinner and invited me to join her even though I didn’t know any of the other business school wives) and decided to shoot my shot. She was very plugged into the Stanford community and had a million friends already, but I asked her to grab lunch the next week — which led to taking a golf lesson together, which led to us deciding to fully learn how to play golf together.
Now, Lexie and Mark are my son Mattis’ godparents, and Lexie is the friend who I mentioned traveling with our kids with! I could have never predicted that Lexie would become one of my favorite people and closest friends after our first meeting — but sometimes it’s not just about a personality match, it’s also about being in the right frame of mind to make new friends, and I was not in that mindset at that time. When we met again many months later, I was in a happier place — more open to forming a new friendship — and we hit it off right away.
For more on friendship, including how to deepen your existing relationships and cultivate new ones, check out the Friendship Training Program.
Question we sent our friends:
I’ve historically dreaded meal planning, but having a toddler forced me to improve my “skills” (or lack thereof) in this arena. What’s the best (easiest!) recipe in your weekly rotation?1
Platonic Love is an affiliate-free publication, meaning we don’t generate any revenue from the links we share so you feel 100% confident in our recommendations. If you’re enjoying the newsletter, please consider showing your support by liking, commenting, and/or upgrading to a paid subscription. Thank you for being here!
Bonus points if it comes from Kate or Caroline!
Sam & I never stopped making Smitten Kitchen's version of the baked feta pasta dish: https://smittenkitchen.com/2021/02/baked-feta-with-tomatoes-and-chickpeas/
And after having some incredible tacos in AZ, I want to make Caro's blackened fish taco bowls this week... https://whattocook.substack.com/p/blackened-fish-taco-bowls
I make a loose variation of a green goddess salad dressing every other week then throw it over romaine hearts or kale or iceberg lettuce when we don’t really want to cook. We round out the meal with cheese and a baguette on the side or something else fun and easy.
The dressing is like 5 bunches of whatever herbs (cilantro, basil, mint, dill, etc - it’s a good way to use herbs that are on their last legs in the fridge), a couple garlic cloves, an anchovy fillet or two, salt, pepper, maybe some green onion or white onion or shallot, lots of olive oil, lemon juice, and maybe a quarter to a half cup of Greek yogurt all thrown in the food processor.