What always frustrates me about this discourse is when women say they change their name, or are thinking about it, it’s for a future family or the existing kids. But - why is it assumed the woman has to change her name so the family unit shares a name?! She likely will be the pregnant one, growing and nurturing that baby. Then putting her body through hell delivering it. And very likely the primary parent (or at the very least through the newborn months). I kept my name and wanted my daughter to take it (hyphenated with her dad’s as he wanted). So technically we all have different last names. But it was important to pass along mine when my body grew her. When people make comments about what SHE is supposed to do if she gets married (hyphenate again???) I say that she can choose her last name. I see it as a marker of identity. So we should all have a choice of what that is. Assumptions shouldn’t pressure us.
This was great, I really enjoyed reading all the perspectives. I changed my name to my husband’s, but also changed my middle name to my previous last name. Our son also has my previous last name as his middle name and my husband’s last name so we’re connected in that way, sharing two names, and my husband is actually the odd man out. Despite our traditional gendered approach to surnames, I am the breadwinner and my husband is the primary parent, so it’s definitely possible to make some normalized choices and have a family setup outside the norm. He also took the same amount of parental leave as I did, right after mine, which I feel like set us up for equal footing as parents. I recognize that that’s a privilege in the US (shouldn’t be but is), but I am so glad we were able to swing it.
Such a great reminder one choice doesn't dictate the rest! And I've heard taking equal/staggered leaves sets up families for more equal footing as their kids get older.
This is what my husband and I did! Is it sometimes weird that all three of us have a different name? Sure but it’s honestly less of an issue than I think people imagine it will be. The idea of taking your husband’s name doesn’t exist in much of Latin America, so it’s all perspective. For my husband having a different last name than his parents is normal.
I’m surprised no one you spoke to hyphenated their kids’ names! There are some downsides — it’s long, it can become complicated when they have their own kids, etc. — but for us it filled the need of making a family unit clear through the name. It was important to both of us to keep our names and to share a name with the kids. (I also suggested that my husband change his name, and I relate to your reasons for that, but I didn’t push it much because I didn’t want to ask something of him that I wouldn’t want him to ask of me.)
Yes we both kept our last names and hyphenated our kids. Actually in my case my parents also gave us both their names - so I had to pick one to avoid too long of a hyphenated name. I picked the one that sounded better in combination (happened to be the piece that came from my dad - which caused no end of controversy with my mom). But we’re all very happy with our decision and no one has given us any grief about it whatsoever. I’m really happy to both have kept my name and given part of my name to our kids and I wish more people would consider it!
Love this because people ask me what my baby is supposed to do when she gets married since we gave her a hyphenated last name. Like, “Is she going to have 5 names? Haha.” But I always say she can choose the name she likes best, or that goes best with a new one, or not change it all. That’ll be up to her. Also…she’s a baby!!!
Yeah I've tried to make peace with the fact that my sons will probably end up just dropping my name, for one reason or another. It's their decision! But while they're little, I want us to share names.
Oh I'm absolutely planning on hyphenating! They will have extremely long and extremely Eastern European last names (my husband's Ukrainian), but they'll have to deal in the name of equality :) All (or almost all) of the Spanish-speaking world does this, so will we!
I love having kids with hyphenated names! It's fascinating how rare it is even in very progressive areas, and how often I get asked what in the world the girls will do when and if they get married and have kids. It seems to clear to me that that's for them to navigate and process and come to peace with! This solution feels so right for us as a family, and surely they'll similarly work through what it will mean for them if they have families. Unpacking gender norms is an ongoing project, I can't possibly be expected to do all of it for them-- I look forward to seeing what solutions they come up with.
Wow, I found this to be an incredibly vulnerable piece! I also feel similarly about my last name, and my partner and I joke about us both changing our last names to be a mix of both of ours, but secretly I want him to take mine because I think mine is better haha. And also mine is non-English while his is. I’m not sure I’ll have kids but I do want them to have my last name as well. It does seem to signal something more in my head, but you’re right that it’s the actions that matter most. My thought has always been if I want to keep my name so bad, I should understand if my partner wants to do the same. (Even though that’s not what I want in the end! Haha) I’ve heard of some people changing both last names to a new one to signal their new partnership together after marriage though, and that sounds like a compromise to me.
Thank you for the lovely note, Janet! It's so validating to hear from someone who feels similarly! And I did talk to someone who came up with a new last name with her husband — a cool alternative.
I got married this past June, and my husband took my last name! I am much more attached to my last name than he is, and his family wasn’t upset about it. Everyone at the wedding and our social media has been really supportive and loved that he took my last name!
This is a great essay. I did not change my name (which among many of my peers is common but seem to baffle the boomer-aged relatives in our extended family) and my husband was and is super supportive of that decision. I did feel a little sadness when my little sister chose to change her name - our last names felt like an important part of our communal identity and it took a little time to get used to her family unit name shifted from our family to her new family with her husband.
Loved reading this and seeing all the different perspectives! My husband and I both took each other's names - mine as our middle name, his as our last. We plan to do the same with kids so that we're all matching. I'm Mexican-American and my husband is Dutch, and we didn't want to erase either of our cultures, but we chose his as the "last" name because we/our kids will spend a lot of time living in the Netherlands/being Dutch citizens/speaking Dutch. I don't speak fluent Spanish or have the capacity to teach children, so this felt like the most authentic choice for our lives moving forward. but! I also wanted everyone to have my Mexican last name, and to share the deep importance of that heritage, too. My husband was thrilled. Extremely Dutch man with extremely Dutch name, now with a very Mexican name in the middle. Perfect representation of our culture intersection!!
what an honest, vulnerable and searching piece. thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️
i think one thing that sometimes gets left out of the conversation is The fallacy of choice feminism: the (mistaken) belief that any choice a woman makes is automatically liberating and worth applauding even if it actively upholds the patriarchy. women are free to take their husbands' names if they wish but let’s not pretend that it’s a feminist choice. it’s a convenient choice and it’s one that (whether we admit it or not) upholds the patriarchy. And with respect to kids' names- in most cases, the mothers do an inordinate amount of physical labor to bring children into the world - a balance that likely cannot be righted even if their partners do literally all of the subsequent emotional labor. so glad to see mothers insisting that children take their names rather than defaulting to the father’s name. 🕊️
Yes yes, 10000% to this. I also can’t help but think how many men would never change their last name because it would showcase a sign of weakness? Additionally, and the terrible case of divorce, you bet that the moms are doing 10 times more labor than men are. Research has showed this time and time again.
This has always been a thorny topic for my friends and I. I literally had one friend change her name on Facebook and Instagram in the bathroom of her wedding reception because she was so excited to take on her husband’s last name. When we asked why she did that, she said that it showed she was chosen by him. Which felt deeply patriarchal and a little weird!
Johanna Goddard once wrote about families that create new last names together, which feels more meaningful to me. It would be great to meet a guy one day who feels like they can shed the weight of the patriarchy and embrace something new.
my sister and her husband both hyphenated their names (her last name-his last name; his last name-her last name, respectively) and I think it's a great compromise. she also told him that she was only doing it if he did it - it's a lot of dumb paperwork!
I didn’t change my name but chose not to hyphenate my son’s last name because my husband’s last name is long and hard to pronounce. I didn’t want to make it harder for my kids! It is strange, of course, having a different last name than my son, but I guess I’m proud of both my husband and I knowing we didn’t want to give up our names and being okay with it.
Love to see coverage of this complex and interesting topic! I have always really really loved my last name (Lioon) and also had a secret dream that maybe my future husband would take it… Alas, when I finally met him, he did not want to, but i definitely asked! For me, this topic was one of my first real examples of how partnerships require thoughtful compromise. I probably would have pushed a lot harder for him to take my name, but when it became clear that my partner was willing to move to/settle in my hometown, with my family being much more involved in our lives than his, plus the fact that we don’t have any grandparents on his side, and seeing how deeply he wanted to create the family unit he didn’t have growing up (which I did/still do), it became easier for me to understand him wanting to keep his name/give our kids his last name, and for me to feel good about giving that to him in our partnership. Since his culture doesn’t do middle names, and since I don’t really care about middle names, for us it was an easy win for both of us to give all our kids my last name as their middle names. I didn’t change my last name and still can’t picture doing it. I wasn’t sure how it would feel to not have the same last name as my kids, but so far it hasn’t felt weird at all, although my oldest is only 2 so not really in the full school/social situation yet. But it seems like most people are doing their own thing with names these days so that feels good for all of us breaking from/updating the tradition!
I always felt strongly I would not want to change my name. I’ve published under it, and losing my dad recently only reinforced I want to be able to pass it on as he isn’t around to see his legacy. I recently married and my husband is taking my name. It wasn’t really a conversation, he knew my feelings from early on in our relationship and what matters to him is that we are one unit with our eventual kids! I feel so lucky that he was so willing but also think it should be the norm that it’s a discussion and not assumed I would take his.
Really loved this, enjoyed hearing your perspective on this and all the other interviewees! Fun to be included, and it's so fascinating how many different perspectives there are on this! Appreciate the vulnerability in this piece so much!!
I love the cultural element to the decision of whether or not to keep your last name! I also kept my last name in large part because it is a piece of my cultural heritage that I did not want to erase. My husband offered to take my last name and he thought our kids should have my last name, but I felt strongly about taking an equal approach to this. So we both kept our last names and our daughter's last name is hyphenated.
What always frustrates me about this discourse is when women say they change their name, or are thinking about it, it’s for a future family or the existing kids. But - why is it assumed the woman has to change her name so the family unit shares a name?! She likely will be the pregnant one, growing and nurturing that baby. Then putting her body through hell delivering it. And very likely the primary parent (or at the very least through the newborn months). I kept my name and wanted my daughter to take it (hyphenated with her dad’s as he wanted). So technically we all have different last names. But it was important to pass along mine when my body grew her. When people make comments about what SHE is supposed to do if she gets married (hyphenate again???) I say that she can choose her last name. I see it as a marker of identity. So we should all have a choice of what that is. Assumptions shouldn’t pressure us.
Love this, Allyson (and I completely hear/resonate with that frustration!!)
This was great, I really enjoyed reading all the perspectives. I changed my name to my husband’s, but also changed my middle name to my previous last name. Our son also has my previous last name as his middle name and my husband’s last name so we’re connected in that way, sharing two names, and my husband is actually the odd man out. Despite our traditional gendered approach to surnames, I am the breadwinner and my husband is the primary parent, so it’s definitely possible to make some normalized choices and have a family setup outside the norm. He also took the same amount of parental leave as I did, right after mine, which I feel like set us up for equal footing as parents. I recognize that that’s a privilege in the US (shouldn’t be but is), but I am so glad we were able to swing it.
Such a great reminder one choice doesn't dictate the rest! And I've heard taking equal/staggered leaves sets up families for more equal footing as their kids get older.
I think the tradition in South America is so great. You take the last name of both your mom AND dad. That makes sense to me!
This is what my husband and I did! Is it sometimes weird that all three of us have a different name? Sure but it’s honestly less of an issue than I think people imagine it will be. The idea of taking your husband’s name doesn’t exist in much of Latin America, so it’s all perspective. For my husband having a different last name than his parents is normal.
Love it 😍
I’m surprised no one you spoke to hyphenated their kids’ names! There are some downsides — it’s long, it can become complicated when they have their own kids, etc. — but for us it filled the need of making a family unit clear through the name. It was important to both of us to keep our names and to share a name with the kids. (I also suggested that my husband change his name, and I relate to your reasons for that, but I didn’t push it much because I didn’t want to ask something of him that I wouldn’t want him to ask of me.)
Yes we both kept our last names and hyphenated our kids. Actually in my case my parents also gave us both their names - so I had to pick one to avoid too long of a hyphenated name. I picked the one that sounded better in combination (happened to be the piece that came from my dad - which caused no end of controversy with my mom). But we’re all very happy with our decision and no one has given us any grief about it whatsoever. I’m really happy to both have kept my name and given part of my name to our kids and I wish more people would consider it!
Love this because people ask me what my baby is supposed to do when she gets married since we gave her a hyphenated last name. Like, “Is she going to have 5 names? Haha.” But I always say she can choose the name she likes best, or that goes best with a new one, or not change it all. That’ll be up to her. Also…she’s a baby!!!
Yeah I've tried to make peace with the fact that my sons will probably end up just dropping my name, for one reason or another. It's their decision! But while they're little, I want us to share names.
Oh I'm absolutely planning on hyphenating! They will have extremely long and extremely Eastern European last names (my husband's Ukrainian), but they'll have to deal in the name of equality :) All (or almost all) of the Spanish-speaking world does this, so will we!
I love having kids with hyphenated names! It's fascinating how rare it is even in very progressive areas, and how often I get asked what in the world the girls will do when and if they get married and have kids. It seems to clear to me that that's for them to navigate and process and come to peace with! This solution feels so right for us as a family, and surely they'll similarly work through what it will mean for them if they have families. Unpacking gender norms is an ongoing project, I can't possibly be expected to do all of it for them-- I look forward to seeing what solutions they come up with.
Wow, I found this to be an incredibly vulnerable piece! I also feel similarly about my last name, and my partner and I joke about us both changing our last names to be a mix of both of ours, but secretly I want him to take mine because I think mine is better haha. And also mine is non-English while his is. I’m not sure I’ll have kids but I do want them to have my last name as well. It does seem to signal something more in my head, but you’re right that it’s the actions that matter most. My thought has always been if I want to keep my name so bad, I should understand if my partner wants to do the same. (Even though that’s not what I want in the end! Haha) I’ve heard of some people changing both last names to a new one to signal their new partnership together after marriage though, and that sounds like a compromise to me.
Thank you for the lovely note, Janet! It's so validating to hear from someone who feels similarly! And I did talk to someone who came up with a new last name with her husband — a cool alternative.
I got married this past June, and my husband took my last name! I am much more attached to my last name than he is, and his family wasn’t upset about it. Everyone at the wedding and our social media has been really supportive and loved that he took my last name!
This is a great essay. I did not change my name (which among many of my peers is common but seem to baffle the boomer-aged relatives in our extended family) and my husband was and is super supportive of that decision. I did feel a little sadness when my little sister chose to change her name - our last names felt like an important part of our communal identity and it took a little time to get used to her family unit name shifted from our family to her new family with her husband.
Loved reading this and seeing all the different perspectives! My husband and I both took each other's names - mine as our middle name, his as our last. We plan to do the same with kids so that we're all matching. I'm Mexican-American and my husband is Dutch, and we didn't want to erase either of our cultures, but we chose his as the "last" name because we/our kids will spend a lot of time living in the Netherlands/being Dutch citizens/speaking Dutch. I don't speak fluent Spanish or have the capacity to teach children, so this felt like the most authentic choice for our lives moving forward. but! I also wanted everyone to have my Mexican last name, and to share the deep importance of that heritage, too. My husband was thrilled. Extremely Dutch man with extremely Dutch name, now with a very Mexican name in the middle. Perfect representation of our culture intersection!!
what an honest, vulnerable and searching piece. thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️
i think one thing that sometimes gets left out of the conversation is The fallacy of choice feminism: the (mistaken) belief that any choice a woman makes is automatically liberating and worth applauding even if it actively upholds the patriarchy. women are free to take their husbands' names if they wish but let’s not pretend that it’s a feminist choice. it’s a convenient choice and it’s one that (whether we admit it or not) upholds the patriarchy. And with respect to kids' names- in most cases, the mothers do an inordinate amount of physical labor to bring children into the world - a balance that likely cannot be righted even if their partners do literally all of the subsequent emotional labor. so glad to see mothers insisting that children take their names rather than defaulting to the father’s name. 🕊️
Yes yes, 10000% to this. I also can’t help but think how many men would never change their last name because it would showcase a sign of weakness? Additionally, and the terrible case of divorce, you bet that the moms are doing 10 times more labor than men are. Research has showed this time and time again.
This has always been a thorny topic for my friends and I. I literally had one friend change her name on Facebook and Instagram in the bathroom of her wedding reception because she was so excited to take on her husband’s last name. When we asked why she did that, she said that it showed she was chosen by him. Which felt deeply patriarchal and a little weird!
Johanna Goddard once wrote about families that create new last names together, which feels more meaningful to me. It would be great to meet a guy one day who feels like they can shed the weight of the patriarchy and embrace something new.
This is a really important point (that can often ruffle feathers!). Thanks for saying it.
There are no "wrong" choices, but we should be able to acknowledge that sometimes our choices uphold structural norms and power dynamics.
this ^^ (Mine will be hyphenated at LEAST)
my sister and her husband both hyphenated their names (her last name-his last name; his last name-her last name, respectively) and I think it's a great compromise. she also told him that she was only doing it if he did it - it's a lot of dumb paperwork!
I didn’t change my name but chose not to hyphenate my son’s last name because my husband’s last name is long and hard to pronounce. I didn’t want to make it harder for my kids! It is strange, of course, having a different last name than my son, but I guess I’m proud of both my husband and I knowing we didn’t want to give up our names and being okay with it.
I’m glad you didn’t change your name bc Moriah Mason is an AMAZING name. It sounds like a book character or movie star! 💫
Thank you! I can’t take credit for it but I’m a fan 😂
Love to see coverage of this complex and interesting topic! I have always really really loved my last name (Lioon) and also had a secret dream that maybe my future husband would take it… Alas, when I finally met him, he did not want to, but i definitely asked! For me, this topic was one of my first real examples of how partnerships require thoughtful compromise. I probably would have pushed a lot harder for him to take my name, but when it became clear that my partner was willing to move to/settle in my hometown, with my family being much more involved in our lives than his, plus the fact that we don’t have any grandparents on his side, and seeing how deeply he wanted to create the family unit he didn’t have growing up (which I did/still do), it became easier for me to understand him wanting to keep his name/give our kids his last name, and for me to feel good about giving that to him in our partnership. Since his culture doesn’t do middle names, and since I don’t really care about middle names, for us it was an easy win for both of us to give all our kids my last name as their middle names. I didn’t change my last name and still can’t picture doing it. I wasn’t sure how it would feel to not have the same last name as my kids, but so far it hasn’t felt weird at all, although my oldest is only 2 so not really in the full school/social situation yet. But it seems like most people are doing their own thing with names these days so that feels good for all of us breaking from/updating the tradition!
I always felt strongly I would not want to change my name. I’ve published under it, and losing my dad recently only reinforced I want to be able to pass it on as he isn’t around to see his legacy. I recently married and my husband is taking my name. It wasn’t really a conversation, he knew my feelings from early on in our relationship and what matters to him is that we are one unit with our eventual kids! I feel so lucky that he was so willing but also think it should be the norm that it’s a discussion and not assumed I would take his.
Really loved this, enjoyed hearing your perspective on this and all the other interviewees! Fun to be included, and it's so fascinating how many different perspectives there are on this! Appreciate the vulnerability in this piece so much!!
I totally related to you!
Absolutely loved this one! Super honest and well interviewed :) - LM
I love the cultural element to the decision of whether or not to keep your last name! I also kept my last name in large part because it is a piece of my cultural heritage that I did not want to erase. My husband offered to take my last name and he thought our kids should have my last name, but I felt strongly about taking an equal approach to this. So we both kept our last names and our daughter's last name is hyphenated.