Thank you so much for this post. About a year ago I had a c-section that was planned and started (for 36 hours) as a home birth. The birth wasn’t traumatic in any way and yet I still felt (and feel) like I’ve failed. Once I got home, barely able to move (thank god for parental leave for both parents), breastfeeding also started to go downhill for a month or two. Failing at two natural things at once - that’s what it felt like. Conversations like yours I think are so important to validate experiences like mine.
I just wrote a post about my positive c-section experience and a separate post about my problems with breastfeeding. I hope you continue to feel more peace about your choices and that all of us who have c-sections can continue to ignore the misplaced judgment of others who know nothing of our business in our own bodies. Congrats to you and your happy face scar 🫶🏻🩵
Thank you for all of this, for sharing your story, and for bringing light to the use of the term "natural" in birth-- when I delivered my first baby the term "natural" for an unmedicated birth always felt harsh to me. I decided then I would commit to using the proper language for various scenarios-- vaginal and cesarian, medicated and unmedicated, spontaneous and induced because the act of a mother bringing a baby into the world is nothing other than natural in and of itself. 💞
Thank you for sharing this! I didn't have a c-section, but did have to use a vacuum for my vaginal delivery and it's oddly stuck with me as an insecurity? And I don't know why because I've always said I would do whatever as long as baby arrives healthy! I've never judged anybody's delivery, so why do I have insecurities over my own? It's funny how deep-rooted things are that you don't even realize....
"I've never judged anybody's delivery, so why do I have insecurities over my own?" OMG - That is the question! It's all so insidious, but with voices like Rachel's speaking out I do hope that we continue to see that shift.
Thanks for sharing this Aliza. I somehow still feel some shame about having an epidural, which feels insane to my rational brain but a little gutting to my emotional one. I just wrote a piece on grief in motherhood, how we push it aside to tend to the urgent and endless needs of our kids (as Catherine Newman wrote, we “go home and boil noodles like every grieving mother everywhere.”) I hope you’re able to make space to grieve your dream birth and find peace in your unexpected but remarkable reality. 💛
Catherine Newman always has the right words for these things -- thank you for sharing!
I've often found that connecting with other moms, staying present in my body (whether it's running, yoga, acupuncture, etc.) have all been useful ways to grieve and feel more empowered. Oh, and therapy. Always therapy.
Reading this and AHP’s interview with the author have brought me to tears so many times in the last few days. I had an emergency c-section in 2022 after a “failed induction” where they tried the vacuum and almost used forceps. They ended up having to push my son back up my birth canal and rushed to the operating room. My son ended up in the NICU, so I didn’t see him for an entire day after. On top of all of that, the nurses expected me to breastfeed when I had no idea what I was doing and couldn’t even sit up or go to the bathroom on my own, let alone shake the shock of lying alone in the post op recovery room for hours wondering if my baby was okay and where he was. Nothing that happened felt “normal” or rational to me. I am still struggling with how everything played out, the amount of pain I was in, the regret, and how completely out of control I felt. I still cry when I drive past the hospital. I wish someone had prepared me for all of it and the amount of actual pain you have to go through, mentally and physically. I will grieve my lack of a “warm and fuzzy” birth experience for the rest of my life, I think. I am now pregnant again and terrified , but at least I know and am prepared to advocate for myself, to set up help post partum, and to formula feed out of the gate. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone for sharing their stories. It feels so good to know we can all give each other virtual hugs and support.
Also.... I recently joined a secondary infertility support group (I've had ongoing complications as a result of a miscarriage in March). I mention this only because several of the women in my group had similarly traumatic birthing experiences the first time around, and are looking for support as they navigate #2. Not sure where you're located, but I'm sure there are other women with similar fears and anxieties going into their second pregnancy who may be able to offer support.
This is so important, even though I knew I was going to have to have a c-section due to my placenta previa I was so wildly unprepared physically and emotionally for it. Thank you both for sharing.
Oh, Aliza - thank you for writing this. I had a very similar experience and am still processing the dichotomy of gratitude that my daughter and I are ok, and grief that I didn’t have the birth I expected or wanted. I have found talking about it and reading about other experiences like mine to be really helpful, so thank you for sharing your feelings. Will be ordering this book!
Aw, so glad you found this resonated - and that you'll be buying the book!
I agree that talking with other women about my experience has been HUGE. I mentioned this in response to another comment above, but I've also found that staying present in my body (whether it's running, yoga, acupuncture, etc.) has been a useful way to grieve and feel more empowered. Thank you so much for sharing!
Motherhood is hard enough. We have to stop judging or have preconceived notions about how we have babies and how we feed them. Every healthy baby and mother is a blessing.
I had my first son (I have 3) nearly 20 years ago. I’d idealized a natural birth - the theatre of it - water breaking - get my bag, it’s time! But I had hypertension and my dr said a C-section was the way to go. My own mother had three Csections and always said how fabulous it was, so I had no issue with it. I was a badass before pregnancy and a badass after a C-section. Trust me, no one who matters gives a flying fuck how you delivered (or breastfed vs formula). And let me tell you that mothering toddlers, then teens, then college-aged kids ain’t for the weak.
Aw, thanks so much for sharing, Francine. I cannot imagine the rollercoaster that is the teen years! Bottom line is being so incredibly grateful for my son and the opportunity to be on this journey.
The pressures of living up to what has been deemed the “right” thing for birth and feeding our babies is literally too much! Being knowledgeable and making sure others are knowledgeable is absolutely necessary but the biggest goal for any child is healthy - mentally, physically and emotionally and fed. Kudos to all Mommy’s no matter the route they’ve taken or will take for their bundles of joy.
loved this piece so much. this line really resonated: "Whoa, you’ve lifted a veil on another dimension that’s been around me the whole time." That's exactly what becoming a parent has felt like to me.
on another note, I had my birth go as planned but was unable to nurse and tried for months. the grief around that is still staggering and overwhelming. it makes me feel so less than, especially as I saw other mothers around me struggle and eventually succeed. I've tried to make peace with it in various ways, and continued to breastfeed via pumping, but man, it's so hard to make peace with something that ended up so different than you pictured.
At first, my deep shame was not laboring. I thought I was just one of those weirdos who “never labored” - perhaps the only one.
I went to 41w3d, no sign of anything, and the OB convinced me (hysterical from COVID lockdown, tired of being pregnant) that post-due-date + 8lb3oz baby = elective cesarean. Gross nonsense, but hindsight is 20/20 and I didn’t know any better; didn’t have a doula; my husband wasn’t allowed in with me. Wheeled out a few days later shaking, drugged to the gills, trying my best not to drop the baby, crying; don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
And then, I had a VBAC- spontaneous labor at 39w, and what’s interesting is that, as easy, fast, and simple as it was , I still felt a sense of shame! Really, the hospital made it so obvious how inconvenient my body was to them. The RN argued with me for about 10 minutes (between contractions) that the mobile monitoring my OB had said I could use actually didn’t exist; she then pulled open the drawer, admitted she’d been lying to me, heaved another sigh, applied it and walked away.
The admitting OB told me I needed an epidural in case I ruptured (again, in direct contrast to my own provider; in direct contrast to ACOG guidance, that epidurals should be patient choice and neither protect against nor increase rupture). I asked if I couldn’t wait till I wanted the pain relief, because I didn’t feel all that much pain at 4cm; she rolled her eyes, and when I was in transition I kept hearing her in my head… rupture, rupture, rupture. I began to cry. I thought I might be rupturing. What an idiot I was to tell the smart lady no.
I had an emergency c section and chose not to breast feed bc I needed for my body to be my own again with everything else around me changing and I have to say, I never thought about this in terms of failure. I guess maybe I’m “that mom” but my kids are healthy and loved, my husband has been a huge part of their care since night one and prioritizing my health has never seemed like it hurt them.
Thank you so much for this post. About a year ago I had a c-section that was planned and started (for 36 hours) as a home birth. The birth wasn’t traumatic in any way and yet I still felt (and feel) like I’ve failed. Once I got home, barely able to move (thank god for parental leave for both parents), breastfeeding also started to go downhill for a month or two. Failing at two natural things at once - that’s what it felt like. Conversations like yours I think are so important to validate experiences like mine.
Gosh, it's just so insidious, thank you for sharing your story too. You failed at nothing!!! And congrats on an (almost?) one year old!
I just wrote a post about my positive c-section experience and a separate post about my problems with breastfeeding. I hope you continue to feel more peace about your choices and that all of us who have c-sections can continue to ignore the misplaced judgment of others who know nothing of our business in our own bodies. Congrats to you and your happy face scar 🫶🏻🩵
Thank you for all of this, for sharing your story, and for bringing light to the use of the term "natural" in birth-- when I delivered my first baby the term "natural" for an unmedicated birth always felt harsh to me. I decided then I would commit to using the proper language for various scenarios-- vaginal and cesarian, medicated and unmedicated, spontaneous and induced because the act of a mother bringing a baby into the world is nothing other than natural in and of itself. 💞
Yes! Love this!
Thank you for sharing this! I didn't have a c-section, but did have to use a vacuum for my vaginal delivery and it's oddly stuck with me as an insecurity? And I don't know why because I've always said I would do whatever as long as baby arrives healthy! I've never judged anybody's delivery, so why do I have insecurities over my own? It's funny how deep-rooted things are that you don't even realize....
"I've never judged anybody's delivery, so why do I have insecurities over my own?" OMG - That is the question! It's all so insidious, but with voices like Rachel's speaking out I do hope that we continue to see that shift.
Thanks for sharing this Aliza. I somehow still feel some shame about having an epidural, which feels insane to my rational brain but a little gutting to my emotional one. I just wrote a piece on grief in motherhood, how we push it aside to tend to the urgent and endless needs of our kids (as Catherine Newman wrote, we “go home and boil noodles like every grieving mother everywhere.”) I hope you’re able to make space to grieve your dream birth and find peace in your unexpected but remarkable reality. 💛
Catherine Newman always has the right words for these things -- thank you for sharing!
I've often found that connecting with other moms, staying present in my body (whether it's running, yoga, acupuncture, etc.) have all been useful ways to grieve and feel more empowered. Oh, and therapy. Always therapy.
Reading this and AHP’s interview with the author have brought me to tears so many times in the last few days. I had an emergency c-section in 2022 after a “failed induction” where they tried the vacuum and almost used forceps. They ended up having to push my son back up my birth canal and rushed to the operating room. My son ended up in the NICU, so I didn’t see him for an entire day after. On top of all of that, the nurses expected me to breastfeed when I had no idea what I was doing and couldn’t even sit up or go to the bathroom on my own, let alone shake the shock of lying alone in the post op recovery room for hours wondering if my baby was okay and where he was. Nothing that happened felt “normal” or rational to me. I am still struggling with how everything played out, the amount of pain I was in, the regret, and how completely out of control I felt. I still cry when I drive past the hospital. I wish someone had prepared me for all of it and the amount of actual pain you have to go through, mentally and physically. I will grieve my lack of a “warm and fuzzy” birth experience for the rest of my life, I think. I am now pregnant again and terrified , but at least I know and am prepared to advocate for myself, to set up help post partum, and to formula feed out of the gate. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone for sharing their stories. It feels so good to know we can all give each other virtual hugs and support.
Also.... I recently joined a secondary infertility support group (I've had ongoing complications as a result of a miscarriage in March). I mention this only because several of the women in my group had similarly traumatic birthing experiences the first time around, and are looking for support as they navigate #2. Not sure where you're located, but I'm sure there are other women with similar fears and anxieties going into their second pregnancy who may be able to offer support.
Oh, Abbie. I can relate to this so deeply. Sending love and good vibes for your next pregnancy - and thank you so much for sharing!
This is so important, even though I knew I was going to have to have a c-section due to my placenta previa I was so wildly unprepared physically and emotionally for it. Thank you both for sharing.
Aw, thanks for sharing Nicole!
Oh, Aliza - thank you for writing this. I had a very similar experience and am still processing the dichotomy of gratitude that my daughter and I are ok, and grief that I didn’t have the birth I expected or wanted. I have found talking about it and reading about other experiences like mine to be really helpful, so thank you for sharing your feelings. Will be ordering this book!
Aw, so glad you found this resonated - and that you'll be buying the book!
I agree that talking with other women about my experience has been HUGE. I mentioned this in response to another comment above, but I've also found that staying present in my body (whether it's running, yoga, acupuncture, etc.) has been a useful way to grieve and feel more empowered. Thank you so much for sharing!
Motherhood is hard enough. We have to stop judging or have preconceived notions about how we have babies and how we feed them. Every healthy baby and mother is a blessing.
Yes to this!!!
I had my first son (I have 3) nearly 20 years ago. I’d idealized a natural birth - the theatre of it - water breaking - get my bag, it’s time! But I had hypertension and my dr said a C-section was the way to go. My own mother had three Csections and always said how fabulous it was, so I had no issue with it. I was a badass before pregnancy and a badass after a C-section. Trust me, no one who matters gives a flying fuck how you delivered (or breastfed vs formula). And let me tell you that mothering toddlers, then teens, then college-aged kids ain’t for the weak.
Aw, thanks so much for sharing, Francine. I cannot imagine the rollercoaster that is the teen years! Bottom line is being so incredibly grateful for my son and the opportunity to be on this journey.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
💛💛
Thank you so much for sharing 💕💕💕 I definitely resonated
That means a lot 💛
The pressures of living up to what has been deemed the “right” thing for birth and feeding our babies is literally too much! Being knowledgeable and making sure others are knowledgeable is absolutely necessary but the biggest goal for any child is healthy - mentally, physically and emotionally and fed. Kudos to all Mommy’s no matter the route they’ve taken or will take for their bundles of joy.
Love this, Jeanice. Appreciate you sharing and spreading that message 💛
loved this piece so much. this line really resonated: "Whoa, you’ve lifted a veil on another dimension that’s been around me the whole time." That's exactly what becoming a parent has felt like to me.
on another note, I had my birth go as planned but was unable to nurse and tried for months. the grief around that is still staggering and overwhelming. it makes me feel so less than, especially as I saw other mothers around me struggle and eventually succeed. I've tried to make peace with it in various ways, and continued to breastfeed via pumping, but man, it's so hard to make peace with something that ended up so different than you pictured.
At first, my deep shame was not laboring. I thought I was just one of those weirdos who “never labored” - perhaps the only one.
I went to 41w3d, no sign of anything, and the OB convinced me (hysterical from COVID lockdown, tired of being pregnant) that post-due-date + 8lb3oz baby = elective cesarean. Gross nonsense, but hindsight is 20/20 and I didn’t know any better; didn’t have a doula; my husband wasn’t allowed in with me. Wheeled out a few days later shaking, drugged to the gills, trying my best not to drop the baby, crying; don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
And then, I had a VBAC- spontaneous labor at 39w, and what’s interesting is that, as easy, fast, and simple as it was , I still felt a sense of shame! Really, the hospital made it so obvious how inconvenient my body was to them. The RN argued with me for about 10 minutes (between contractions) that the mobile monitoring my OB had said I could use actually didn’t exist; she then pulled open the drawer, admitted she’d been lying to me, heaved another sigh, applied it and walked away.
The admitting OB told me I needed an epidural in case I ruptured (again, in direct contrast to my own provider; in direct contrast to ACOG guidance, that epidurals should be patient choice and neither protect against nor increase rupture). I asked if I couldn’t wait till I wanted the pain relief, because I didn’t feel all that much pain at 4cm; she rolled her eyes, and when I was in transition I kept hearing her in my head… rupture, rupture, rupture. I began to cry. I thought I might be rupturing. What an idiot I was to tell the smart lady no.
The purpose of a system is what it does.
I had an emergency c section and chose not to breast feed bc I needed for my body to be my own again with everything else around me changing and I have to say, I never thought about this in terms of failure. I guess maybe I’m “that mom” but my kids are healthy and loved, my husband has been a huge part of their care since night one and prioritizing my health has never seemed like it hurt them.