I have a friend whose backstory is a minefield of hard events that often invite thoughtless and hurtful often unintentional but nevertheless painful judgmental opinions from outsiders. Sometimes I think we need not only prepared conversation starters but prepared conversation either “enders” or “transitioners” such as “Thank you for sharing I will have to give that some further thought.”, “Wow that is an interesting perspective I would have to give some thought to that before I could articulate a response.”, “Oh that hasn’t been my experience I’ll have to think about that”, “I’m not prepared to respond to that right now. I need to think that through to give it an adequate answer.” Any other ideas? We recently talked about having these types of saying prepared so that she feels safe entering conversations. The alternate is not having conversations at all.
We've normalized "speaking of LSD" amongst our friends. It's a phrase to signal that it's time for the conversation topic to change. Among our friend group, the person who says it doesn't need to be the one to start a new topic. But around others I try to have something else to say ready, like "speaking of LSD, I saw Oreo has a new flavor out." Push comes to shove, the phrase is often so jarring that I can turn folks reaction into a discussion about the need to be able to move on from certain conversations, the difficulty in connecting with others, etc. etc.
I've always been a fan of, 'what is your favorite sound?'. People don't really seem to have considered this one before. My answer is ratcheting sounds (like when you pedal backwards on a bike or use a socket wrench) or the Nintendo Switch click
I'm sorry, that statement is just so funny to me both in and out of context.
I do get what you mean though. I would love to have that too someday and I hope I remember this statement so that I can smile like an idiot once again.
Ooooh I LOVE these. Except for one! One of these actually has a correct answer.
Audiobooks are real books, and it’s not up for debate. Asking whether audiobooks are real books is honestly the same as asking whether Braille books are real books, which I think most people would readily recognize is a rather messed up question to ask. In both cases, these forms of books are the only way that many disabled people (including myself) can read.
Please know that I’m not trying to shame you! I don’t believe in shame as a catalyst for change, and in my college years (when I was an English major and not yet disabled), I would have entertained this question and possibly even said no (!). I am just trying to gently but firmly educate you and other potential readers, like I would educate my past self if I could go back in time.
Thank you for reading and considering ❤️ I’m going to dinner now and I can’t wait to ask my partner what year he would want to relive
You are SO right, Ariana — thank you for very kindly sharing that perspective! I've removed that question from the post and will make sure I'm conscious of this going forward. Thank you again ♥️
I understand your point about it being an ableist question, and I don't want to diminish that side. However, I think audiobooks are still a different medium, but that doesn't make it worse. For one, the narrator adds an extra dimension to the book with their articulation of the text. However, audiobooks are also passive—an audiobook doesn't require as much attention for you to engage with it as traditional books do.
I think the major problem is our elitist view on books themselves. We assume that text books have greater value than other forms of media, which I think is patently false. There are some movies that have more value than some books, and some audiobooks that provide greater depth than the original text book.
Basically, I think the point of asking "are audiobooks real books" is an inherently flawed argument. You wouldn't ask "are movies real plays", you'd recognize them as separate media, each with their own merit. What the question "are audiobooks real books" is asking, is whether they have value, I think that's insulting and a terrible question. They obviously do, but that doesn't make them equivalent to books.
This is me!!! We live in a small town and we own a brewery/bar so I’m often sitting at the bar next to someone who I’ve never met. My favorite around Halloween is “have you seen a ghost” or “is there a ghost in your house” and you’d be AMAZED at how many people have and do! I hate small talk.
We also got chatting about our virginity loss stories at a holiday party once and it was amazing. Highly recommend just going for the deep cuts with people.
Oooh, I'd love to stand next to you at a holiday party — there is soooo much to dig into when you run such an interesting and dynamic business! Like "What's one thing you'd never order at a bar now that you own one?", "Tell me about the best night this place has ever had," and "What do you wish fewer people knew about [brewing, alcohol, beer, etc.]?"
I’ll throw a contrary word in by saying that most of these questions are contrived. I’m aware that in a sense everyone tries to make conversation, yet something about these questions strikes me as objectionably conspicuous. Of course, they can be naturally slotted into a conversation, but that’s true of any question in some context.
Ask basic questions about universal topics and take the conversation from there. Even the most unexpected moments, like mispronunciations, present occasions for quips and tangents. Free associate by paying attention and by reading widely about evergreen topics. Social butterflies can get by with exuberance, charm, and whimsy, but I imagine they’re not the target audience of your article.
I agree. The example about bringing expectations to a marriage is fantastic if someone just got married or marriage came up organically in the conversation. But being asked one of the other suggestions with no context sounds like the asker doesn't really care what you answer and is supposing you'll be delighted and charmed that they asked you how often to wash jeans, or possibly that they have an "interesting" answer themselves and just want a chance to air it.
I’ve always like: “You can go back in time and tell yourself one thing. What’s the age you go back to and what do you say? Extension: would your younger self even believe it? (Disclaimer: You can’t say lotto numbers or anything gambling related.)
I'm a few years late to this party, but I LOVE the ideas (saved in my Notes app already) and also take my questions "on tour". I have another category to add: Parents/Relatives.
I've been asking my relatives:
What is a career path you almost chose?
Who is someone you once considered a best friend I've never met?
More questions for established friends or best friends that I've been asking recently:
What is something that you are bad at but love doing?
Who is someone that you are no longer in touch with that changed your life?
Wait these are incredible. Next time I'm having dinner with Sam and don't have a lot of gas in the tank I'm going to ask him the Chelonion one — pretty sure he could monologue for an hour.
I wish I could subtly tattoo a few of these onto my wrist
Maybe we need to spin up some phone wallpapers...
ok, wow... onto something...
Ready to download these right now
Same lol
Are you team cake, or team pie? It gets people RILED UP! #teamcake4ever
I feel like pie is more consistent, but the best cake beats the best pie. So #teamboth?
cake is daring and ambitious. pie is safe but cowardly. i’d rather gamble with a slice of cake 🍰 #teamcake
PIE
Very timely for the season too!! I am verrrry #teampie though
Team Ice cream over here!
Cake! But I won’t complain about apple pie
CAKE
I have a friend whose backstory is a minefield of hard events that often invite thoughtless and hurtful often unintentional but nevertheless painful judgmental opinions from outsiders. Sometimes I think we need not only prepared conversation starters but prepared conversation either “enders” or “transitioners” such as “Thank you for sharing I will have to give that some further thought.”, “Wow that is an interesting perspective I would have to give some thought to that before I could articulate a response.”, “Oh that hasn’t been my experience I’ll have to think about that”, “I’m not prepared to respond to that right now. I need to think that through to give it an adequate answer.” Any other ideas? We recently talked about having these types of saying prepared so that she feels safe entering conversations. The alternate is not having conversations at all.
We've normalized "speaking of LSD" amongst our friends. It's a phrase to signal that it's time for the conversation topic to change. Among our friend group, the person who says it doesn't need to be the one to start a new topic. But around others I try to have something else to say ready, like "speaking of LSD, I saw Oreo has a new flavor out." Push comes to shove, the phrase is often so jarring that I can turn folks reaction into a discussion about the need to be able to move on from certain conversations, the difficulty in connecting with others, etc. etc.
I've always been a fan of, 'what is your favorite sound?'. People don't really seem to have considered this one before. My answer is ratcheting sounds (like when you pedal backwards on a bike or use a socket wrench) or the Nintendo Switch click
Wow I thought about this for a good five minutes! I love the sound of rain, and maybe less obviously, the laundry machine
The sound of a lover farting underneath my duvet.
What?
For real. It's a sign that they are comfortable with you (or so I like to think).
I'm sorry, that statement is just so funny to me both in and out of context.
I do get what you mean though. I would love to have that too someday and I hope I remember this statement so that I can smile like an idiot once again.
A string of Christmas lights tapping against each other as I get them out of the box ready to decorate ❤️💚
not counting music, the rain, and people’s voices, i’d say mine is wind chimes or the little sounds cats make when they stretch
Ooooh I LOVE these. Except for one! One of these actually has a correct answer.
Audiobooks are real books, and it’s not up for debate. Asking whether audiobooks are real books is honestly the same as asking whether Braille books are real books, which I think most people would readily recognize is a rather messed up question to ask. In both cases, these forms of books are the only way that many disabled people (including myself) can read.
Please know that I’m not trying to shame you! I don’t believe in shame as a catalyst for change, and in my college years (when I was an English major and not yet disabled), I would have entertained this question and possibly even said no (!). I am just trying to gently but firmly educate you and other potential readers, like I would educate my past self if I could go back in time.
Thank you for reading and considering ❤️ I’m going to dinner now and I can’t wait to ask my partner what year he would want to relive
You are SO right, Ariana — thank you for very kindly sharing that perspective! I've removed that question from the post and will make sure I'm conscious of this going forward. Thank you again ♥️
I appreciate you! Thank you for listening and adjusting ❤️ and for the rest of these amazing questions
I understand your point about it being an ableist question, and I don't want to diminish that side. However, I think audiobooks are still a different medium, but that doesn't make it worse. For one, the narrator adds an extra dimension to the book with their articulation of the text. However, audiobooks are also passive—an audiobook doesn't require as much attention for you to engage with it as traditional books do.
I think the major problem is our elitist view on books themselves. We assume that text books have greater value than other forms of media, which I think is patently false. There are some movies that have more value than some books, and some audiobooks that provide greater depth than the original text book.
Basically, I think the point of asking "are audiobooks real books" is an inherently flawed argument. You wouldn't ask "are movies real plays", you'd recognize them as separate media, each with their own merit. What the question "are audiobooks real books" is asking, is whether they have value, I think that's insulting and a terrible question. They obviously do, but that doesn't make them equivalent to books.
This is me!!! We live in a small town and we own a brewery/bar so I’m often sitting at the bar next to someone who I’ve never met. My favorite around Halloween is “have you seen a ghost” or “is there a ghost in your house” and you’d be AMAZED at how many people have and do! I hate small talk.
We also got chatting about our virginity loss stories at a holiday party once and it was amazing. Highly recommend just going for the deep cuts with people.
Oooh, I'd love to stand next to you at a holiday party — there is soooo much to dig into when you run such an interesting and dynamic business! Like "What's one thing you'd never order at a bar now that you own one?", "Tell me about the best night this place has ever had," and "What do you wish fewer people knew about [brewing, alcohol, beer, etc.]?"
I believe it was a New Yorker writer that said their favorite question was “What time do you eat dinner?”
Wow not invasive at all but *so* revealing.
I’ll throw a contrary word in by saying that most of these questions are contrived. I’m aware that in a sense everyone tries to make conversation, yet something about these questions strikes me as objectionably conspicuous. Of course, they can be naturally slotted into a conversation, but that’s true of any question in some context.
Ask basic questions about universal topics and take the conversation from there. Even the most unexpected moments, like mispronunciations, present occasions for quips and tangents. Free associate by paying attention and by reading widely about evergreen topics. Social butterflies can get by with exuberance, charm, and whimsy, but I imagine they’re not the target audience of your article.
I agree. The example about bringing expectations to a marriage is fantastic if someone just got married or marriage came up organically in the conversation. But being asked one of the other suggestions with no context sounds like the asker doesn't really care what you answer and is supposing you'll be delighted and charmed that they asked you how often to wash jeans, or possibly that they have an "interesting" answer themselves and just want a chance to air it.
This post motivated me to share my own list I've slowly been accumulating (minus the ones from here I just added, of course!)
https://autumngale.substack.com/p/if-you-never-know-what-to-talk-about
I’ve always like: “You can go back in time and tell yourself one thing. What’s the age you go back to and what do you say? Extension: would your younger self even believe it? (Disclaimer: You can’t say lotto numbers or anything gambling related.)
These are great! My most reliable standby is "what is something you've enjoyed recently?"
Nathaniel, that's brilliant! Low-pressure, person- and age-agnostic, and gets people talking about things that make them feel good.
Love these! Going to a neighborhood meet up tonight and you just saved me hearing about how long everyone has been in the area ad infinitum.
Yesss! How did the meetup go?
I'm a few years late to this party, but I LOVE the ideas (saved in my Notes app already) and also take my questions "on tour". I have another category to add: Parents/Relatives.
I've been asking my relatives:
What is a career path you almost chose?
Who is someone you once considered a best friend I've never met?
More questions for established friends or best friends that I've been asking recently:
What is something that you are bad at but love doing?
Who is someone that you are no longer in touch with that changed your life?
These are so good, Devon!!
"What keeps you awake at night?"
"What's your Big Why?"
"What's your favorite Chelonion?"
"What do you think it's like in the astral plane?"
Wait these are incredible. Next time I'm having dinner with Sam and don't have a lot of gas in the tank I'm going to ask him the Chelonion one — pretty sure he could monologue for an hour.
I confess I had to look up Chelonion … and, based on my new found knowledge, I’m going to select SNL’s Tippi Turtle as my favorite.
as someone who’s socially awkward introvert trying to be more extroverted, loved this piece!
That means so much, thank you!