this is so beautiful and heartening as someone whose experience of grief was quite lonely and isolating - to see the community care involved and encouraged is so encouraging 🩷
Riffing on the dried-flower idea (so practical!!): one of my mom's friends sent her a 3D, pop-out paper bouquet when she went into hospice. It shipped flat, was zero-fuss, and stayed bright and beautiful like the dried option—also, it was a total delight to open!
Love this post: I read a poem by Elizabeth Edwards at my 24 yo son’s memorial: “If you know someone who has lost a child and YOU’RE afraid to mention them because YOU think you might make them sad my reminding them that they died, THEY didn’t forget that they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you REMEMBER that they LIVED, and that’s a great, great gift!”
Incredible advice, after losing my best friend last December, I learned the reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
I agree with every single suggestion here. You two have outdone yourselves—this is the resource I wish I'd had years ago, when I was 100% clueless about offering support to grieving friends. And it reads as a beautiful tribute to your friend Margie, and to Tallu's memory.
On the point about being "close enough" to offer support: yes, this. I was *especially* touched when acquaintances I didn't know well reached out during my own tough time. It forged special connections that I'll never forget.
Thank you so much for writing this important post. My dad died a couple of months ago, and I agree completely with “You’re close enough.” A man who had been our family’s paperboy when I was a child—almost fifty years ago!—saw my dad’s obituary and came to the funeral. My mom and I were so touched that he took the trouble to come, and to tell us how grateful he was that my parents always tipped him and never scolded him for late papers. No matter what, you are always close enough.
As much as we want to reach out to "be there," sometimes the other person really really really just wants to be left alone. It's not a one-size-fits-all.
I (regrettably) need this right now. Trying my best to love hard and well as I lose my dear friend who is, more importantly, my best friend's husband. Thank you.
Thank you for this insightful and valid read. I have lost so many friends lately and most of them younger than me. I encourage myself to communicate and often use the ‘No need to respond’ - you have made me feel a better navigator, when walking on eggshells with grieving broken hearts. I feel overwhelmed with all the grief I’ve been submerged in but know how important it is to keep supporting the ones who were closest. I’d like to think I follow what you have said here, unfortunately through too much experience of loss. We need to push ourselves through the discomfort because the benefit to the lossee is so deeply rooted, where they feel seen and heard. I would add that I allow a person to cry as much as they want and don’t hold or hug at this crucial time. When we lovingly bury their head in our shoulder, the tears are prevented from flowing. Tears are grief bubbles dissipating, is what I tell my dear friends. A gift from God that we need to use. 😢
I love your article. I'm so glad you're naming what helps and what doesn't. I lost two children to failed adoptions and NO ONE thought it was a big deal. So 10 years later, I published, "Condolences Pocket Guide: What to Say and Not to Say to Grievers." Thank you so much for writing this article. Dana Amarisa
This newsletter made me tear up so many different times. I especially loved what you said about never regretting it when you do reach out to the grieving person who you're not sure you should. Such an important reminder as I too h e played the "are we close enough" game many times as well.
Aw, thanks so much Caroline. Noticing that pattern within myself -- while it should've been obvious -- actually felt like an enormous 'aha!' moment. Hope you're having a happy, good food-filled holidays!
I can’t tell you how much just reading this helped me. My mom also has a grade 4 glioblastoma, and we just got the news it’s growing again. She hasn’t decided what to do yet, but these were really helpful reminders and recommendations for how I can support her and my stepdad, and how I can communicate to my own support system what I’m going to need in the coming months.
Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. I hope you have folks who will surround you with love and support -- it absolutely sounds like you do. Sending love!
this is so beautiful and heartening as someone whose experience of grief was quite lonely and isolating - to see the community care involved and encouraged is so encouraging 🩷
💔 It’s everything! Thank you for sharing.
A lot of good advice here—I’ve never thought to send dried flowers!
Thanks so much, Leigh! I’ve never mailed them, but there must be ways to do it 💐
Riffing on the dried-flower idea (so practical!!): one of my mom's friends sent her a 3D, pop-out paper bouquet when she went into hospice. It shipped flat, was zero-fuss, and stayed bright and beautiful like the dried option—also, it was a total delight to open!
That’s beautiful!
Love this post: I read a poem by Elizabeth Edwards at my 24 yo son’s memorial: “If you know someone who has lost a child and YOU’RE afraid to mention them because YOU think you might make them sad my reminding them that they died, THEY didn’t forget that they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you REMEMBER that they LIVED, and that’s a great, great gift!”
Oh, David, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this.
Incredible advice, after losing my best friend last December, I learned the reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
Oh no, I’m so sorry for your loss, Pach. Thank you for sharing these thoughtful words!
I agree with every single suggestion here. You two have outdone yourselves—this is the resource I wish I'd had years ago, when I was 100% clueless about offering support to grieving friends. And it reads as a beautiful tribute to your friend Margie, and to Tallu's memory.
On the point about being "close enough" to offer support: yes, this. I was *especially* touched when acquaintances I didn't know well reached out during my own tough time. It forged special connections that I'll never forget.
Aw, thank you, Maddie 💛 that’s such an important and powerful point on the special bond and connections that can be forged through grief.
Thank you so much for writing this important post. My dad died a couple of months ago, and I agree completely with “You’re close enough.” A man who had been our family’s paperboy when I was a child—almost fifty years ago!—saw my dad’s obituary and came to the funeral. My mom and I were so touched that he took the trouble to come, and to tell us how grateful he was that my parents always tipped him and never scolded him for late papers. No matter what, you are always close enough.
That is just beautiful! I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing, Mari.
This is a truly poignant and loving discourse on grief and the importance of “just being present” with those who are suffering loss.
As much as we want to reach out to "be there," sometimes the other person really really really just wants to be left alone. It's not a one-size-fits-all.
I (regrettably) need this right now. Trying my best to love hard and well as I lose my dear friend who is, more importantly, my best friend's husband. Thank you.
Oh Deborah, that’s awful. I’m glad this could offer you some support — there’s really no good way through something like that 💛
Thank you. 🩵
Thank you for this insightful and valid read. I have lost so many friends lately and most of them younger than me. I encourage myself to communicate and often use the ‘No need to respond’ - you have made me feel a better navigator, when walking on eggshells with grieving broken hearts. I feel overwhelmed with all the grief I’ve been submerged in but know how important it is to keep supporting the ones who were closest. I’d like to think I follow what you have said here, unfortunately through too much experience of loss. We need to push ourselves through the discomfort because the benefit to the lossee is so deeply rooted, where they feel seen and heard. I would add that I allow a person to cry as much as they want and don’t hold or hug at this crucial time. When we lovingly bury their head in our shoulder, the tears are prevented from flowing. Tears are grief bubbles dissipating, is what I tell my dear friends. A gift from God that we need to use. 😢
Love this addition, thank you! I’ve seen that with so many friends as well — how meaningful it is to just let the tears come
I love your article. I'm so glad you're naming what helps and what doesn't. I lost two children to failed adoptions and NO ONE thought it was a big deal. So 10 years later, I published, "Condolences Pocket Guide: What to Say and Not to Say to Grievers." Thank you so much for writing this article. Dana Amarisa
Dana, I’m so very sorry for your losses — that sounds so painful. Thank you for sharing!
This newsletter made me tear up so many different times. I especially loved what you said about never regretting it when you do reach out to the grieving person who you're not sure you should. Such an important reminder as I too h e played the "are we close enough" game many times as well.
Aw, thanks so much Caroline. Noticing that pattern within myself -- while it should've been obvious -- actually felt like an enormous 'aha!' moment. Hope you're having a happy, good food-filled holidays!
I can’t tell you how much just reading this helped me. My mom also has a grade 4 glioblastoma, and we just got the news it’s growing again. She hasn’t decided what to do yet, but these were really helpful reminders and recommendations for how I can support her and my stepdad, and how I can communicate to my own support system what I’m going to need in the coming months.
Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. I hope you have folks who will surround you with love and support -- it absolutely sounds like you do. Sending love!
Gorgeous post, great advice <3
Thank you so much, Jillian!
Love this! ♥️
Aw, thanks so much Emma! Happy holidays 💛
Love all this! Thank you for including me :)
We’re so grateful to you for sharing!