Issue #15: How to stay close when your friends start having kids
Issue #15: How to stay close when your friends start having kids
We interviewed each other on what it takes to maintain a relationship
In summer 2020, deep in COVID, my friend Suz texted me, “Would it be cool if I invited Blake’s friend Aja1 to book club?”
“Please!” I wrote back immediately.
Our remote book club was one of the high points of COVID: a way to stay connected while we stayed at home. Each month, for nearly a year, a rotating cast of friends and friends of friends talked, laughed, and discussed books.
But last month at dinner, Aja and I started talking about the period of transition for friendships as activities like Book Club have been phased out.
In some ways, it felt like we entered the pandemic with one set of expectations for our social lives and came out the other end in a new life stage altogether. Aside from a few “golden years” in my twenties, I don’t live down the street — or even in the same town — as most of my closest friends. And that’s a big change.
This week, for our friendship series finale,2 Aja and I interviewed each other: on navigating friendship as kids enter the picture, learning to be a good friend, spending time with our friends, and more.
Aja (AF): I was thinking about the night you told me you were pregnant. We’d hung out a handful of times, and we were like, “Okay, we think the Sams3 like each other. We know we like each other.” So the four of us went to Bow Market to get drinks and dinner.
The server came by, and you said, “Do you have any mocktails?” You were beaming. I knew before you said anything you were pregnant.
Aliza (AS): Awww. How did you feel?
AF: I was really excited for you and simultaneously pretty sad. Like, Oh shit. We were just starting to develop this friendship. And now everything is going to change.
How did you feel letting your friends know you were pregnant?
AS: Everyone tells you how all encompassing a kid is. I was worried starting a family would leave me feeling excluded from my friends. Or that I wouldn’t have the time to give to new friendships like ours either.
But it was a little less scary, because I’d already started to see everyone’s social lives shift after we turned 30. When people start getting married, they become even more accountable to their partner’s family and friends — plus their own. So people are turning inward a bit. It’s a lot harder to coordinate schedules.
On a different note, I worried that my friends without kids wouldn’t be able to relate to me. Especially if I took up too much of the oxygen in the room talking about becoming a mom. I still worry about that.
AF: We’ve talked about the scheduling and availability part a lot recently. Lately we’re booking casual dinners or movie dates two or three weeks out.
I worried that my friends without kids wouldn’t be able to relate to me. Especially if I took up too much of the oxygen in the room talking about becoming a mom.
Let’s go back to the two concerns that were top of mind for you: feeling left out and like you were in a different life phase than your friends. Has either happened?
AS: I don’t think that I’ve felt excluded. I have to say “no” more, which can be hard, but I just have to appreciate the time I do get with my friends. There’s definitely a stubbornness that refuses to let motherhood be an excuse.
The second part, I think, yes. I’m jealous of women who easily fall into their neighborhood mom group. Somewhat like college, it hasn’t been as easy for me to find that community of other parents.
I’ve been a mom for less than a year. But it does feel like everything has changed. There are so many situations where I look back and think, Wow, I had no idea what parents in my life were going through.
Last week, I was texting with a friend. She’s the primary caregiver of her one-year-old, and she’s been really sick. And I just know she’s in a hell hole right now. I cannot tell you how much it sucks to be unwell and taking care of a tiny human who can’t communicate with you.
AF: Woof. That sounds miserable.
AS: Yeah. But back to your original question: I appreciate the friends who check in on me or ask about Jude, even if they can’t understand what being a parent is like. One of my friends is the last in her college friend group to have kids. She told me, “I’ve made it a priority to travel to meet each of their children after they were born, because I know it’s important. It's important to them. It’s important to me to have a relationship with my best friend's kid. And I also know I can't really put it on them to come to me at this point.”
AF: Right. We’ve talked about ways to show up for your parent friends: traveling to meet their kid is a great one, although not everyone has the financial means or can take the time from work. But anyone can say “Send me pictures, send me videos,” and engage with those. Or periodically ask, “How’s your kid doing? What's going on? Are they eating solid foods? Are they teething?”
All of this I’m learning as we go, by the way.4
AS: There are a lot of similarities with supporting friends who are grieving. My friend Margie taught me that. There’s no roadmap for either. But all we have to do is show up.
We’re also at this stage in life where so many things are competing for our attention and pulling us apart — physically, mentally, geographically. The little things are important.
But I also forget them all the time and then am like, Fuck. I should’ve just texted them. Or sent the flowers.
AF: I don’t think it’s ever too late.
AS: You’re right. And our post-Jude relationship has not been what either of us expected. What do you think has made our friendship possible?
AF: Honestly, I think you get nearly all of the credit. Once you had Jude, I just assumed you weren’t going to be around to do stuff anymore. I didn’t want to put any pressure on you — I’d heard so much about how draining and heads-down that time after birth is — so for three or four months, I didn’t initiate much.
In retrospect, that was the wrong instinct. You kept inviting me to hang out, and over time, I realized, Wait. You're showing me you have the energy for this. I don’t have to worry about you. I should ask you to hang out, and if it doesn’t work, you’ll let me know.
AS: I love getting the invites. It makes me feel included! Do you remember when you started doing my dishes?
AF (laughing): I was just thinking about that. Can we talk about that? It’s a great example of making some mistakes as you try to show up for your friends.
AS: You said, Let’s do something. And I said, I'm gonna be walking the dog and putting Jude to bed. Do you want to come hang out with me while I do that? And you were happy to, which was awesome. I think you were one of the first people to come over and go through that whole routine with a very small child.
So I was in Jude's room, and I heard the water (laughing) and then you called out, “Uh, Aliza? I was trying to help, but now your kitchen is soaked.”
AF: At some point, I’d read an article about helping your friends with chores as a way of supporting them. Again, this idea that as a new parent, you're completely overwhelmed and your house is a disaster, yadi yadi yaya.
It’s important to note I got to your place and it was, at that moment, cleaner and tidier than mine. Like, I had left a messier place to get to yours. So I registered that, and nonetheless I persisted.
I wanted to show you I was game to be a part of your and Jude's schedule and lives, but I didn't quite know what to do. You had things to do with your hands and I did not. I remember feeling a bit like, What's my role here?
Then I saw there were dishes in the sink and thought, Perfect. I'll do the dishes. Almost immediately, I knocked over your XL Stanley cup that was sitting on the counter.
The kitchen was flooded.
AS: You called me over to help you find a towel.
AF: Yeah, and then you mopped up the water with me. It didn’t end up being helpful at all.
But I don’t think you can go wrong if you’re trying to show up.
AS: Completely agree. Where did you learn how to be a friend? Did you have any specific role models for friendship?
AF: When I was younger, I had a lot of not-so-great friends, so I’ve spent my twenties figuring out what a good friend looks like. Luckily, I have a lot of amazing ones now to learn from.
Blake taught me to be vocal about loving your friends — tell them how much you care — and Suz has shown me how to befriend people everywhere you go. She’s so good at fostering those deep connections.
When I was younger, I had a lot of not-so-great friends, so I’ve spent my twenties figuring out what a good friend looks like.
I’ve also learned a lot from Lacey, who you’ve met. She’s someone who always shows up and is one of my inspirations for always showing up.
Mike is fantastic about making plans. At times, when I’ve been a little more introverted, he’s gotten me out of the house by regularly coming up with fun things to do.
You’ve been an inspiration for bringing people together. You do such a wonderful job connecting different parts of your friendship universe.
What about you?
AS: When I was nine or ten, my twenty-something cousin married a woman, we’ll call her Rachel. My sister and I grew very close to her. And she brought us into her adult friendships.
It was obvious she and her friends were obsessed with each other. They were each other’s biggest hype women. I quickly learned all of their names and still remember them. I always wanted to feel the same way about my friends.
AF: It might have taken me longer to get here than it took you, but we both believe that your friends are an extension of your family.
How have the activities you do with friends changed now that you have Jude?
AS: I don’t know how much they have changed yet. I like doing small things with my friends. Even grocery shopping. I also love when we mix it up — go to a new restaurant or try out a hiking trail. I was walking through a different neighborhood with my friend Ali after dinner last week and we stumbled across a lake — in the middle of the city! — I never knew about. I can’t wait to go back.
AF: I also love switching it up. Did I tell you that I was thinking about writing an article about going out of your comfort zone with friends?
AS: No, I love that!
AF: Mike wanted to do the annual Naked Bike Ride a few weeks ago. So we did it.
AS: You went!?
AF: Yeah. It was one of those things where I’d said yes a while ago, before it felt real, and then the day came and I thought, oh fuck, I can’t cancel. So I went.
AS: Would you ever do it again?
AF: 1000% percent. It was so fun. I love when a friend takes me out of my comfort zone or introduces me to something new. That’s another thing you and Mike both inspire me to do more of.
But my favorite friend date of all time is dinner. A smaller one, no more than four or five people, where everyone’s game to have an interesting conversation.
AS: I really love when we all sit down to a meal together and there’s no pressure or rush to get on to the next thing.
AF: Yup. And going back to the central topic: every activity we mentioned is child-friendly!5
AS: Yes! Well, this was great.
AF: It was! I’ll talk to you again in like an hour.
AS (laughing): Can’t wait!
Platonic lovers, friends, influencers — as always, thanks for reading! And for being with us on this journey. We’ve loved all the thoughtful comments and texts in response to this friendship series.
Oh yeah! ICYMI: Monday’s most clicked link was Aja’s home decor find (read: Anthro vibes at Zara prices).
Blake was Suz’s fiance, now husband, and one of Aja’s good friends.
Although we don’t think this will be the last “friendship series” we do.
If you’re new here: both of our partners are named Sam.
For example: when Aliza and I had dinner at FOTN Julia’s house, I asked if Jude was “teeth-ing.” They gently let me know it’s pronounced tee-thuhng. 😅
In this moment, we might have forgotten about the Naked Bike Ride. But who’s to say it’s not child friendly, too!?
I've read about how new parenthood affects platonic relationships, but never in this awesome friend-interview format that gives voice to both sides of one specific friendship. Very special to be a fly on the wall here—also, the dishwashing story is so heartwarming!